waiting

I am typing with one hand right now. I think I broke my arm. I'm sitting on my couch waiting for a doctor's office to open. I was rollerblading my route when I tripped.

I hate this, I hate this, I HATE THIS!!!!

I hurt so badly right now.

Too Far Ahead

Wow..

I feel so loved and so cherished.. So completely wonderful..
I've never felt anything so deep or lasting or real or true.

And neither have my peers.

So I feel alone.

It's not a Bad thing. It's just a little lonely. I'm sitting waiting for my peers to catch up. How did I get so lucky? What is it about me that lets me feel something so much stronger than people my age seem capable of? At risk of sounding snotty or childish, I honestly feel that I am more mature than all of my friends right now.
They've definitely had occasions in previous years where they were ahead of me.. but I just feel light years ahead of them.

It all comes back to the depth I think. This isn't infatuation. I can't find words that I can use to describe it. Words don't seem sacred anymore. I think it used to be that some words you just didn't use unless you truly meant them. Now in our arrogance and ignorance we've neutralized their effect by overuse. I'm guilty of it as well..

Because, 'Oh! I just love this song!' 'Oh! And this one too!' 'and this!' ... really... I Like them, sure. But Love? Hm.. idk, maybe that is not so bad, because of the subject material.

Another example, "Bff! Best friends forever!" Is that forever... or until your 'best friend' decides she likes the same guy as you.. or "luv ya!" do you really now?

Idk, maybe I'm just complaining because I feel inarticulate. But I think some words have just become too commercialized to mean the things they originally meant.

Did you know, in the Dakota Native American language, they have no word for Lie? They just don't. In other languages they have words that are more specific in their meanings than English. Such as terms for many or much. Or love. There are so many kinds of love...

Too many of my peers can't comprehend the level I am on. Why is that?

Talk to me, don't speak.

Body Language. I just did a bit of research, and new evidence suggests that up to 93% of our communication is nonverbal. Click Here to see some facts. Every gesture a person makes is a reflection of something going on in their mind. Some people think I'm good at knowing what other people think, and sure that could be true, but it is because I have picked up on some of this stuff.

Is it always conscious? No. Sometimes I don't need to consciously think about reading people's movements or expressions. I've done it so often that now it's just instinctive. I can usually tell what someone is feeling by looking at them. Some better than other. The more familiar with a person's feature and expressions I am, the easier it becomes.

My question is "Why?!" Why did I pick this up and why was it so important that it is second nature now? Was I just born this way? Is it my personality?? I don't know. I'm going to ponder on it and get back to you.

Yelling

I think people are so ugly when they get mad. Their faces twist and become contorted with such violent emotion. Mostly it is their eyes I don't like.

Eye are like windows to people's heart. They are meant to be warm and happy. Eyes can't be beautiful if they are glazed with anger, contempt, or even sometimes Hate.

If there is anything I hate, it is yelling. It's so easy to say things you don't mean when you lose control and yell. Yelled words are probably the ones we mean least, but the ones that hurt most. They are the words that are hardest to forgive and let go. I don't like myself when I yell at people, and it is hard to like myself when other people yell at Me.

There is just something in my makeup that makes my self-esteem take a really blow when someone yells at me. Or even gets frustrated with me. I know I'm not perfect, but could you please tell me what the problem is before yelling at me about it? I promise I will try my best to fix it.

I'm so stinking insecure sometimes. How many friendships have I gotten out of because someone got mad at me and I felt like I couldn't fix it? Nova got mad at me. Or is it perfectly justified since if a person is going to yell at me, I don't see how it could really get better. Isn't yelling like hitting? It's always easier after the first time.

Does this shirt make me look fat??

Isn't that a stupid question?? I've always hated that question.
A week from yesterday I went with my daddy to take my brother to Bartlett where he's working for the summer. It was fun and all... When I said Hi to Emily Taylor, the nature director from last year, she said, "Wow Cora! Did you lose weight? I mean, not that you were fat or anything before, but it looks like you really lost weight since last summer. Whatever, you look fabulous."

I honestly thought I would never stress about something like this. It's just not something I do. I was wearing a rather form fitting shirt, and that's Got to look skinnier than scouting uniforms class A Or B. ...but really... have I lost weight? I didn't think I looked bad last summer.. Heck, last summer was when I first started to Like my shape just a little.

I really shouldn't be thinking about this kind of thing. I know that. I just couldn't get it out of my head for a while, so I decided to blog about it. That's just what I do.

camp blues

Well... I did it. I let John go to camp. And I actually only cried very little. It was just my dad, John, and I that went up. With gas prices soaring to eye-bulging prices we decided to take the car, instead of the Whole family by van. Thank heavens too. My mother would not have been as tactful as my father. I know she loves me, but she would prolly ask if I was going to miss it, and would it hurt much, with her eyes all filled with love and compassion. That would Really hurt. Like when she asks about my dancing.

Of course I'm going to miss camp. In many ways, I found myself there. It was more of a home to me than My home was. Most likely because I had more free reign. But I have many reasons to be glad I'm not going back. The new century scholarship, the summer college required, camp changing, new job.... The most attractive incentive to stay home though, is Jacob. I would miss him very terribly. This summer will be hard. Wonderful, but hard. It's going to be a step towards surviving when he goes off to college, and that will prepare me for his mission. If I were to just leave to camp and have only letters... It would Not be good. I'd prolly ask Delaney to commandeer her phone again and escape to my spot up at George Town.. Actually, I don't think I would like those memories. I would pick a new spot.

Anywho, it doesn't matter in any case, as I'm not going up. The drive is particularly beautiful early June. It's sooo lush and green everywhere. When it heats up everything goes brown and yellow. I even picked a small bunch of wild flowers.