Happy Again =)

I have been so incredibly selfish! I went to institute at a different place than normal today and our lesson talked about, among other things, forgiveness. During the flow of conversation, I wrote down two points: 1. If our sin causes us physical pain, what is it doing to our spirit? 2. When we harbor sin or guilt or pain we are not only hurting ourselves, we are hurting Christ.

See, Christ our savior suffered All pains, sorrows, and afflictions for us. Even the self inflicted pain, even the emotional scarring, he felt it all. How Selfish have I been to deny his comfort and to continue to live in pain when it hurts him as well? How arrogant am I to ignore his suffering on My behalf, to think that the atonement covers everyone but me?

This emotional pain, this severe depression, this darkness of self, is not just hurting me it's hurting Him. If there were ever a reason to forgive myself and others, it's that. If there were ever motivation to climb out of this pit, it's Him. And I know that it is only through him that I can.

Do you know how painfully beautiful this realization is? The worst part is that it didn't come as an epiphany, but as a "Well Duh Cora! Will you just choose to see it this way already?" It's my choice to come unto Him. It's my choice to bring him joy. I am so grateful that I can and I am so grateful that he told me how again.

I love my Savior and I am eternally indebted to him in ways that I cannot fully understand. It is because he loves me that I am who I am today and now, I'm remembering to give him that credit.

Dreams

I had a dream last night. Elizabeth was alive. We were sitting on one of those couches that you can't help but love because they're so soft and comfy. There was a movie playing and we paid it little attention as we talked and laughed and behaved just like the young girls we were.
Waking and leaving that warm, comfortable friendship was terrible. The dream held everything that I can't seem to find in the waking world.

Pain

Today I had words inside me that had to come out, so I wrote them down.

Once, the pain that lives inside me like a beast slept, whenever you came near. Now your very name feeds his growing emptiness. All he knows is hunger; all he seeks for is nourishment. But the more he is fed, the more empty he gets.
He fears gentleness and fends of warmth. Love, he fights bitterly, knowing it is the only thing that can kill him even as it is the only thing that can give him rest.


That about sums it up. It lives in me. It's a part of me. And the insidiousness of it is that I cannot expel it for fear of what I am without it.