Just venting.

I am so frustrated. There is a particular individual whom I have recently become friends with. I met him through his cousin who is also my friend. We started talking online frequently and I found out that he's a really great guy. He's had a horrible past and made some bad decisions, but he's completely turned his life around. He's the kind of person that volunteers to do community service a couple times a week, just because. He's really intelligent and we share similar tastes.

During our conversations, he has a habit of putting me off guard by asking questions out of the blue. "What's your earliest childhood memory? What is your favorite fruit? What are your hopes and dreams for the future?" He answers all of my questions, so I try to answer most of his. He's always there to talk to and he's good at giving advice I need to hear. He doorbell ditched a cheesecake, a cd, flowers, and a free hug coupon on my door because I was having a rough time and he wanted me to have a good day.

Sounds great, doesn't it? Not so much.. He decided to admit that he likes me very much, and thinks he's falling for me.

This is infuriating to me. I could swear that I've done nothing to solicit such attentions. This happens fairly often. I meet someone nice, we develop a friendship that I care about, and they decide to care in different ways. I don't want a silly relationship, I don't want a crush, I don't want a boyfriend. I want to make friendships that last.

We're trying to remain friends, but I don't know how that can work. I think I'm really messed up in the head. I'm still so scarred from Ben brutalizing my instincts. He told me he was perfectly fine with being platonic friends and in the same breath told me that I was all he thought about and if he could ever hope to wish for it, all he wanted was a future with me. When I tried to end a friendship that was so incredibly destructive, he faked psychotic break downs that only I could possibly fix.

Coming from that kind of background, I am really struggling to believe this 'just friends' thing. I'm trying not to give up on friendships in general. I don't want to hurt anyone else. Is it right for me to feel guilty for not caring about someone the same way they do?

If it came down to it, I probably could be comfortable with this guy. In an arranged marriage type of situation we'd get along great. But if I cam going to be sealed to someone forever, then I want to fall in love with that person every day of it. I want to make someone happy. I want to Be happy. I'd like to build a life with someone that will still make my heart flutter when we're old and gray. I want to be the kind of person that my sweetheart is looking for.