Self Abuse

I Need more sleep. I feel like I'm going to crash again. I have No clue how I'm still awake and appearing relatively sane right now. I have to go to English and take a vocab test.
It's really cold outside. I have this strange urge to go out there and fall alseep in the snow. If there were such a thing as warm snow, I would make my bed out of it. Then I could curl up in whatever position I wanted and it would form to fit me.
I like this plan..
I have a huge headache and I know exactly why. It has to do with Waay too little sleep, Dr. Pepper (VERY bad for me, but soo tasty), and "canversation hearts". I tried to cancel it out with milk, a roll, and biking 7 miles in the fitness room, but it didn't exactly work...

I hope I make it through today.

Snowshoeing

Saturday I went snowshoeing with Jake, and Sarah and Eric. It was wonderful. We went up Waterfall Canyon because he wanted to show it to me. The hike was fairly tough, but not too bad. I loved it. The trail was beautiful. I couldn't stop looking Everywhere. When we finally got to the top, there was the waterfall, completely frozen. It was Gorgeous. I'm not sure when the last time I saw something so beautiful was. I'm So grateful Jake took me there. We sat in the snow and drank some hot chocolate the guys had brought in a thermos. It was absolutely wonderful.
I felt like it was all just for me. Selfish, I know. But really...
It was so peaceful to be up there. You feel like you really accomplished something. Maybe that's why I love hiking so much. I get a feeling of accomplishment while enjoying God's creations. The fact that Jake was there did help... He still sits next to me in seminary (courtesy of Johnson), but across the isle.
I was worried about him today, because there was a spontaneous snow storm and he had to drive in it. And his car is still missing a window... But I said a prayer and felt peace, so it was all good. He got there on time, if hungry.

President Hinckley Died Yesterday

http://gratitudeforgod.blogspot.com/2008/01/president-hinckley-died-yesterday.html

Ramblings

I actually posted this on mymormonlife.com first.. but I thought I'd add it here too:

In my school district, the end of semester was Friday. For me, this is always kind of sad. You've made friends in all your classes, finally gotten into the swing of things, and then it changes.
How many people actually keep their "good friends" if they aren't in any of their classes. Or even if they just don't sit by them anymore. How many of our "friends" are actually just superficial contacts we use to make us more comfortable in a situation?
Are you Really going to call that person to hang out? Or are you saying that to make you feel better?
Then there's just the fact that you're halfway through the school year. I'm terrified for this school year to end. Seriously terrified. Because I will be facing:
A- a summer without scout camp, with college, and too many hours in the day to fill with things to keep me from missing camp.
B- That much closer to my senior year, trying to decide on a career and a college, trying not to fail college classes.
C- Some of the most amazing people I know graduating and leaving me.

In high school it seems like friends are your world. You swear that you'll stay friends forever and always keep in contact. Then you go to college and get Far Too Busy to even call old friends just to catch up. How many adults do you know who are still really good friends with the people they knew in highschool? When was the last time they talked to them? Do they remember their friends' favorite color?
Are our relationships really so fragile? Are friendships really so ephemeral? Is it better for us just to go through our lives with only shallow contct with others? Would it be better to keep to ourselves to keep from getting hurt.
Read this story: http://www.mormonsite.org/wisdom/heart.html
Sometimes I'm not sure i wouldn't rather be the young man with the perfect heart. It would definately be a lot less painful. I'm kind of tired of getting hurt.
Idk, I'm just a 16 year old ranting...

Campsick

So Thursday, I finally broke down. I went to bed at 9:15. That's pretty much a record for me. And Friday after school, I came home and took a nap. So I'm doing ok in that department. However, Thursday SUCKED. Royally. I got a call from Abby. This was the official call. asking whether or not I was going to work at camp again next summer. I had to say no... That may not seem like a big deal, but to me it was heart-wrenchingly Terrible! It was like an Icy dagger plunged in my heart at the say time acid ate away my stomach. Aweful!!

You see, Camp is my home. While I was there, I never really got homesick. Here, I'm Reallly campsick. Camp saved my life this past summer. I Hated myself before I went. I came back with Soo much more self-confidence.

My brother is going to be on staff this year. I'm going to Try to go up for a few weeks.. but I don't know if it will work out. I REALLLY want it to!

Yesterday, I took John to his interview. I'm Very proud to say, I did Not cry. Not quite. 

Sleepless in ... my chair.

I need sleep. I can't decide whether I'm euphorically happy or deathly sad. It's Really weird. I'm not sure I understand it myself.

I was really laughing and light hearted after about 10 min of being home. It was prolly because Courtney was here. She's so lighthearted. It's Wonderful.


David is joining the Military. He is my best guy friend. He's practically my brother. He's going to be in the special-ops for the airforce. He'll be working with unmaned airplanes, so he Should be safe. Not that there's anything "safe" in a war zone, but he'll be safer than most people. It's selfish of me I know, but I'm glad.
He's going to leave for basic training in the next two months. Then it will be FOREVER (8 months) until I can see him again. He's Hoping to be home by Christmas.
Then he will most likely be stationed at Hill Air Force Base. I Really hope they allow them to recieve letters, since they won't have internet privileges for Quite some time. Actually Heaven only knows they'd never have time to do anything other than sleep.... But it would be a comfort to Me if I could send him letters. I love writing.

I really Am happy for him. He's finally getting his life together. He's got a focus and a goal and he's sticking to it. The job sounds really good for him. He'll do well.

In other slightly less depressing news news....
My mother just came in here and had another "productive" but slightly counterproductive chat. One of my pet peeves is how no one in my family respects my social privacy. My sister habitually gets on my messenger and talks to my friends. They all think she's Nuts. I usually use the word "eccentric" or GAUCHE. My family is gauche. I'm not saying that to be snotty I swear. They are just severly lacking in the manners department.
Today I got a call and my mother starts talking to the poor soul while I'm being summoned. They didn't call for her, they called for Me. I consider it respect that when a call is for Me, that it is not interupted by people being juvenile. Making stupid comments (siblings), or going on forever about me, or asking about the caller's personal life (Madre) is juvenile.

I recently took the Meyers Briggs test. One of the sections is "direction of focus, source of energy". This is the E or I part. E = Extroverting (energized with people, ie Party) I = Introverting (energized alone, ie reading a book). Extraverts can and Will talk and Talk and Talk. They don't care if you don't want to listen, they just Love talking. Introverts would rather write you an e-mail. They Listen. Their responses, unless to a close friend, usually consist of one or two words. Extraverts walk down the halls and can say hi to everyone, but they prolly can't remember their name. Introverts have a few close friends that they know everything about.
I showed up I, and thats true, but it was slight. I have alot of E too. I think I've combined them well. I Listen to people. I pay attention. I will focus on You. But then I will follow it with my own stories or expiriences to help you. I Do like being social, but it has short limits. I don't do well around megaloads of people. After a football game, I would be exhausted from the sheer amount of emotion contained in one stadium. I know people who would Adore that and be really hyper for Hours after. However, I enjoy going to parties with my friends.
My mother is an extreme Extravert. When she starts talking, she keeps talking. It goes on and on. Mostly re-hashing. I don't think she understands that I can add two and two. I am a fairly intuitive, and perceptive person. I Can read between the lines. With her sometimes, it's novels.
But she just Doesn't Think the same way I do. And it's not a mild thing. She doesn't understand language the way I do. She doesn't make Any of the same connections I do. And when I try to explain, she'll "interpret" what I say and shove words down my throat. And she never interprets things correctly.
Because she dosen't Think the same way.
I Don't like talking to her for any length. Or anyone really. So I give shorter answers. I guess I'm being dumb to think she'll understand.
Her, "How is your life going?" Me, "It's going."
To her, that is Scapegoating the question. Like I don't care enough to give an answer.
To Me, that is a pretty complete answer. The Going implys that yes, it's moving. Life continues at it's normal pace. The shortness and vagueness imply that things are slow. Most likely I'm tired, or burned out. I'm probably thinking alot and I'll be active later.

I guess I just don't give my mother what she wants. She grew up with lots of older sisters who I'm sure confided in her when they needed to unload something reallt girly. "Oh! He'll Never notice Me!" I think she may have grown up with thinking that melodramatic behavior is Normal, that That is how people rationally think. OOOooh Boy.
I don't Want her to know every detail of my life. There is No reason I should share with her the nitty gritty details. She doesn't need to know everything I would tell my friends. She doesn't need to know any girly little thought that enters my head. She isn't privy to how my "love life" is going. She doesn't Need to know. She Wants to know. Like when she was a child, she thinks it's her right, as a mother this time.
She can have Elise for that sort of thing. Count me OUT.

Calmer

So.........

First of all. I do not hate my mother, or my family, or life in general. I'm just exceedingly frustrated.

Things have gotten alot calmer around here. My mother apologized in a lovely note that I tried not to get mad at, and appreciated when I calmed down.

School is good, and should be better after the semester ends. I'll be sad to see some of my classes go, but Waaaaaaay happy to drop Chemistry. And I'll have more time to sleep.
That will definately help...

Ranting

So my parents and I just had two talks. Which evidently were "productive", but left me a crying, shaking mass of nerves.

I cannot wait until I turn 18. I have no idea where I will go, or how I'll finish my last bit of high school, but I am Leaving. I Have to get out. I feel like I'm suffocating.

I thought I was getting closer to my family. I Have gotten alot closer to Michelle, James, and Ruth. My relationship with my mother has completely deteriorated though. I've actually started standing up and telling her everything I've thought for years.

Like how Ugly she looks when she yells at any of the kids. And how she looks like she Hates us.

And how I HATE how messy our house is. When I was a kid she'd tell me to clean my room. Then she would follow me and when I'd try to throw something away it was always, "no! Don't throw that away, you'll use it later." Or with old school work, "You'll want to look at that when you're older, to see how much you've grown.
Didn't have any self esteem or confidence then either! Let's see... Yep, hated myself then too.

Every year around this time, usually a bit earlier, she gets or gets close to hypomanic, or manic.

You see, my mother has bi-polar. She has to take medication. Evidently it helps. Sometimes I think she thinks medicine can cure everything. It sure seems like she takes alot. For anything.
"Here, take these pills. You're being emotional, it's just a vitamin imbalance. These will calm you down." NO THANKS.

I'm not trying to make her sound like a druggy, cause she's not.

But about the bi-polar. I cannot remember how many times I've had to play Mom because mine was incompasitated, not there, too tired, or stress, or manic. Or how many times I've come home and she's "organizing". When my mother is manic she takes everything out from everywhere, mixes it up in a blender, adds chaotic energy, and throws it back. Then she calls it organizing and can't find anything the next day. Or how about the special "projects" she starts. Ridiculous and illogical things that never get finished. Sometimes they aren't even started, just "planned", talked, and whined about. Every mess in my house feels like a reminder of that lately. Even my room. But THAT is changing. MY abode will be Clean. And it will be MY project. A project in this house that will finally be Finished.

I realize it's unfair and cruel of me, but sometimes I find my mother extremely repulsive. Like her lack of manners. I honestly had to reteach myself how to have good manners. Most especially table manners. My mother is gauche. Isn't that just the perfect word? Gauche: lacking social grace; lacking social polish; tactless.

I'm perfectly aware that I'm not the most tactful person in social situations. I feel that maybe only going to social situations with a mother who is a gauche, self-decribed social butterfly, may have had something to do with it. I watched people become uncomfortable whenever my Mother was there and despaired being associated with her. I don't want to have a bad connotation as her daughter.
And my Father who evidently was a hermit and has NO idea how to behave socially in a group of anyone who is not directly related or involved with computers.
He's gotten tons better. I'm mean he's a Teacher for crying out loud. But he's still socially awkward.
I don't know how to behave around other people.

It's not just my mother. I just never see my father. And when I do, he's usually deliriously tired. I hate how he's always tired and sick and lazy. How he can understand what I'm thinking, but rarely what I'm feeling. I hate how run-down he is. How he isn't really Doing anything about it.

I hate how I set goals and never make them. I hate how much I procrastinate, or devote my time to pointless things. I hate how all these years I've simply given in. How I've never stood up for myself. I've never been self-sufficient.

That's my Goal for the summer. But it starts now. I want to be self sufficient. Completely. I want to get to the point where I could up and leave, the moment I turn 18 if need be. To have a good car, a cell phone, and enough money to rent an apartment for months and keep gas in the car. I want to be able to break away clean when I leave for college.

Story

I've started a new story. Again...

Sorry. I do that alot.

I have no firm idea of what it's about. Just one line. I thought it up while writing in nmy journal the other day. All I'm for sure about is that it will be about a very foolish youngish girl. It will most likely be sappy, and really bitter. I'm sure I'll never finish. For now though, I have something to keep me going.
I've been half-dead and emotionless for the past few days. I'm not totally sure why. Probablly from an emotion overload. I've been under so much stress that I've become as traparent and whistless as paper. Yes, I feel flat like paper, squished under so much stress.

My Song

I found the most Amazing song today! I put it on here, but I used enips, so I don't know how well it'll work. It's called So She Dances and it's by Josh Groban.

I Love it. Right now it's perfectly describing my feelings about dance and music. I've seriously been dancing to it for .......idk how long.

It's Beautiful!

Hefner, No Sleep, College

The coolest thing happened! I was talking to Mark from camp, and found out he knows Mrs. Hefner's daughter. He had a very apt description for the both of them. "Bundles of joy and energy on legs!!!" I love Mrs. Hefner, she always so bright. It makes me happy to talk to her. I'm sure her daughter is the same way. Her daughter, whose name escapes me, goes to Davis. She and Mark are friends. I thought it was really cool.
I called Jake yesterday to tell him about the pictures. I left him a message, cause I knew he was at work. We stayed up talking until 11ish this time. Oops... It was fun, but I was intelligent and decided to get up extra early to do papers, because of the snow and ice. And then I ate only 2 pieces of cinnimon sugar-ed toast and chocolate chips for breakfast...
Needless to say, this morning I was extremely hyper.
AND I had my first college class!!! My teacher is Lori Drake, and she's adorable! There are so many cool people in my class. Especially Kori!!! She told me she was in my class at one point, but I guess I was too tired to comprehend it. *wince* Sorry Kori! I really am Thrilled to have you in my class!

Dance Pictures Came!

The pictures from the dance came! They look so cute! Mrs. Hefner brought them to me in 7th period because she couldn't fin Jake. It's a good thing she knows both of us, because he put them under the name Jello Anderson. The company nuames is working with made a mistake on the name. They put nuame instead of nuames, so they're going to reprint them and let us keep the messed-up ones too. I called him to let him know, even though I know he's at work. Mondays are long work days for him. I'm kind of anxious to see what he thinks of them. Oh well, I'll find out tomorrow. ^_^

Freakout

AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just registered for Weber State!! I'm starting class Tuesday!!!! Ah!!!!!!!! I'm in college!!!!!
Sorta..

Anywho. I went to a multistake dance in Roy with some staffers. I invited Jello and he came. It was really fun. There were alot of people from Camp Staff there. I was Sooo happy.

Finally, the dance.

I realize this is somewhat of a cop-out, but I'm really not going to get around to writing about the dance, so I'm just pasting these e-mails in here... sorry.


This may take two e-mails. Because I'm in class.Yes, he was absolutely gorgeous. He wore the bow tie I got him. Johnson drove and they were 30min late, because Johnson couldn't find Kylie's house. Turns out she got her appendix out at midnight and didn't get home until 10:30 that morning. Completely out of commission.My mother had fun with my face... oh joy.Anyway, I guess I looked good. Jello, Johnson, Ben and every friggen teacher who saw me all commented. The usual word was gorgeous. Jello used beautiful. My favorite part was when Jello picked me up and I got to see his eyes sparkle when he saw me. ^_^ yes, I Am crazy about him.We went in Johnson's Bronco to his house and had dinner. Which was Amazing! Johnson's little brother Ben joined us for dinner since he was going to the dance too, and Kylie wasn't there. That was fun, let me tell you. We were all cracking jokes like no tomorrow. After dessert (glorious cheesecake) they had mouthwash out on the counter and Ben told Jello to try and keep some in his mouth for a minute and he didn't think he could do it. I said *I* could do it. So we made it a challenge. It was a tie because we had to go before either of us gave up.When we got to the dance I was attacked right when we walked in. Morgan, Devin, and Sally all came over and started talking at once. Evidently I'm amazing, Jello is hot, and my dress looked gorgeous. It was awkward. And then they went away, a slow song started, and we started dancing. *sighs like a girl* He knows how to hold a girl. There were three slow songs in a row, so we just kept dancing and talking. Johnson came over when a fast song came on. "Finally! Sheesh you two love birds haven't stopped holding each other since we got here!" Jello, "Atleast my date shows up!"If he didn't say anything about the "love birds" than niether will I^_^ We danced alot, and talked alot. There was only one awkward part, and that was during the song "I have loved you" by Nickleback. And that was because we were listening to the words, cause we both love that song, and he told me I looked beautiful. I said Thank you, and then we didn't really say anything. But the macarina was after, so we got back in sync.
To be continued...

----- Original Message ----
CONTINUED!!! WHERE ISIT?? I WAWNT TO KNOW TEL LME TELL EM> I mean, im glad you had a good time. Now for the actual response,A dream, absolutely a dream. BTW I still must meet him( idf you want me too) I knew you would be gorgeous- u always are, don’t argue with me missy! my love life is so far away righ tnow I havent even seen it since last February. oh dear. but about you OMG OMG OMG OMG that sounds wonderfully wonderful. Iwihs I could do that* small girlish sigh* oi vay!well tell me more did he kiss you??????????????? rel me please
delaney

Anywho, We sort of went through the rest of the dance with a little more electricity after that. We helped clean up afterward, which is where that pic with Johnson in it comes from. They were catching Hershey's Kisses in their mouths and so we called them the "Kiss Catching Brothers".
After we finished went went to the car to go see the lights at the Layton park. But somehow Jello's seat belt had broken. For real, I checked! So he had to sit in the middle seat next to me. I didn't mind in the slightest. So Johnson had only had his Bronco for about 2 days, and accidently missed the right exit because he was playing with his cruise settings. So we had to try and get there from Kaysville, and ended up getting lost in Suburbia. And Jello and I played corners. We were sitting with our hands at our sides, in easy holding position. We were both too shy though. But everytime we went around a corner, he/we would sort of ..idk, almost hold hands, but then stop. So we'd just "Accidently" brush fingers alot.
When we finally did find our way to the Layton Park, the lights were already turned off!!! I was mad. So it was late anyway and we decided to just take me home. I Wanted to hold his hand before we got to my house. I was still to shy to just hold his hand, but I made sure that they were Touching. About 4 blocks from my house he took my hand.
I felt absolutely ...Shimmery! When he walked to the door, No he didn't kiss me. He said he had a wonderful time and then hugged me for just a few moments past when he should have let go. It was delicious. I wish I could have a hug like that everyday...
And then on Sunday, we went to a John Bytheway fireside! It was fun, but way casual, and we just met-up there. I had John and Elise with me.
LyLaS_Cora