Ranting

So my parents and I just had two talks. Which evidently were "productive", but left me a crying, shaking mass of nerves.

I cannot wait until I turn 18. I have no idea where I will go, or how I'll finish my last bit of high school, but I am Leaving. I Have to get out. I feel like I'm suffocating.

I thought I was getting closer to my family. I Have gotten alot closer to Michelle, James, and Ruth. My relationship with my mother has completely deteriorated though. I've actually started standing up and telling her everything I've thought for years.

Like how Ugly she looks when she yells at any of the kids. And how she looks like she Hates us.

And how I HATE how messy our house is. When I was a kid she'd tell me to clean my room. Then she would follow me and when I'd try to throw something away it was always, "no! Don't throw that away, you'll use it later." Or with old school work, "You'll want to look at that when you're older, to see how much you've grown.
Didn't have any self esteem or confidence then either! Let's see... Yep, hated myself then too.

Every year around this time, usually a bit earlier, she gets or gets close to hypomanic, or manic.

You see, my mother has bi-polar. She has to take medication. Evidently it helps. Sometimes I think she thinks medicine can cure everything. It sure seems like she takes alot. For anything.
"Here, take these pills. You're being emotional, it's just a vitamin imbalance. These will calm you down." NO THANKS.

I'm not trying to make her sound like a druggy, cause she's not.

But about the bi-polar. I cannot remember how many times I've had to play Mom because mine was incompasitated, not there, too tired, or stress, or manic. Or how many times I've come home and she's "organizing". When my mother is manic she takes everything out from everywhere, mixes it up in a blender, adds chaotic energy, and throws it back. Then she calls it organizing and can't find anything the next day. Or how about the special "projects" she starts. Ridiculous and illogical things that never get finished. Sometimes they aren't even started, just "planned", talked, and whined about. Every mess in my house feels like a reminder of that lately. Even my room. But THAT is changing. MY abode will be Clean. And it will be MY project. A project in this house that will finally be Finished.

I realize it's unfair and cruel of me, but sometimes I find my mother extremely repulsive. Like her lack of manners. I honestly had to reteach myself how to have good manners. Most especially table manners. My mother is gauche. Isn't that just the perfect word? Gauche: lacking social grace; lacking social polish; tactless.

I'm perfectly aware that I'm not the most tactful person in social situations. I feel that maybe only going to social situations with a mother who is a gauche, self-decribed social butterfly, may have had something to do with it. I watched people become uncomfortable whenever my Mother was there and despaired being associated with her. I don't want to have a bad connotation as her daughter.
And my Father who evidently was a hermit and has NO idea how to behave socially in a group of anyone who is not directly related or involved with computers.
He's gotten tons better. I'm mean he's a Teacher for crying out loud. But he's still socially awkward.
I don't know how to behave around other people.

It's not just my mother. I just never see my father. And when I do, he's usually deliriously tired. I hate how he's always tired and sick and lazy. How he can understand what I'm thinking, but rarely what I'm feeling. I hate how run-down he is. How he isn't really Doing anything about it.

I hate how I set goals and never make them. I hate how much I procrastinate, or devote my time to pointless things. I hate how all these years I've simply given in. How I've never stood up for myself. I've never been self-sufficient.

That's my Goal for the summer. But it starts now. I want to be self sufficient. Completely. I want to get to the point where I could up and leave, the moment I turn 18 if need be. To have a good car, a cell phone, and enough money to rent an apartment for months and keep gas in the car. I want to be able to break away clean when I leave for college.