Inner Struggles

My friend Julius recently posted this as his status on facebook: "Depression is Not a sign of Weakness, it is a sign that you have been trying to be Strong for too long..."

"Lately I've been feeling that indescribably longing that keeps me looking into the night sky."

Let me explain something, when I first discovered there were females at scout camp, and first decided I Had to join them, I spent a great deal of time pondering and praying about which camp I wanted to go to. Two stood out. Like two different perfectly tuned stings on a cello, two resonated inside. One was slightly more in tune than the other. Bartlett over Loll. It was closer, and I had more chance of getting my parents to agree with it as well.

Going to Bartlett was one of the best decisions I made. I've met people, learned things about the inner and outer world, and grown in ways that I Needed to. Loll has just kind of been in the background. I met a boy who attended my ward the past 2 weeks name Tayte. The darn kid in on High Adventure at Camp Loll. (jealousy) I friended him on facebook and tore ravenously through his photos from Loll. That familiar old ache returned. It's that ache for the unattainable beauty, the need to be a part of something bigger, the restlessness and the detachment.

I don't know if those picture woke up old longings, or if it just aggravated what was already there. I kind of feel numb to happiness. I wonder if possibly it's the loneliness cause by my heart wall? I have the vague, protecting detachment that allows me some callus, but I feel all the loneliness and pain caused by the inability to connect to others and to the world around me.

I've started going to the temple almost every Friday morning. Dad takes me to temple square on his way to work, and I take the train home. The first few times my life was in chaos and the effect was very calming and soothing. I felt whole. (besides the absolutely Awesome feeling of helping my sisters beyond the veil) Lately, not even that has been able to curb the restlessness. Could it be that I'm anxious because camp is so close after having to be away for so long? Could it be the Darned weather just toying with me?

Examining myself, I think I'm finding that it's more that I have worked past something, and now I need to move on to something more. Like my Aha moment with trials, I've gained one level of understanding, I've got my green belt. Now I need to work to the next one. Perhaps I am being more affected by my pending graduation than I thought. This summer is my last hope of clinging to childhood. I should have been able to let it go sooner, but I guess I wanted what I could get what with being 2nd mom so young. After this summer I am stepping, blinking into the sun of the real world. *le gasp* The adult world. I am both ready and not. Willing, and not. I am confident in my abilities as a massage therapist. I know I will be able to find good work, and I know I will put my trust in my Father. That makes it only Slightly less terrifying. So long sweet childhood, so long sweet dependence. It's all me now. I'm not sure exactly who I am, but I am me. And I'm sure I'll enjoy finding more about myself. The next few years will be hard, but Dang I'm going to enjoy it.