David

I've been meaning to talk this over with myself for a while. I suppose now is better than later.

David. David is a problem child. Not the way I would normally use that phrase. I mean it literally. He brings problems. Not intentionally, but still.

I went and saw David last... Thursday? Yes, Thursday. I'd driven my beast of a van to school and planned to go visit David at Play n' Trade, where he works, during lunch. He looked.... different. He gained weight again. A lot I think. His face is fuller. His hair is very short, thanks to the military. (He's joined the military and is being shipped out to basic Sept. 16)

When I first came in, he wasn't at the counter. He was waiting for me, hiding behind one of the shelves to scare the living daylights out of me. That's just David. He looked like he wanted to hug me, but didn't. He just went behind the counter. He threw a bunch of random knick-knacks at me. Play n' Trade mints, army wristbands, that kind of thing. It was fun.

We talked some. Nothing deep or even very interesting for that matter. I did my usual, 'are you actually eating? are you eating right? do you have a hobby yet?' Yes, he eats. No, not anything remotely close to a balanced diet. And yes, just the usual airsoft hobby. He doesn't have anything to really fill his life. He's empty.

Thinking back to my 'Priesthood Light' ... He's empty. He has no light. I guess that's it. I've always subconsciously known I think. Whenever I spend time with David, it's like there's something missing. I always walk away feeling very sad inside. I realize now. He doesn't hold the priesthood. Well, he used to, but I know he's not a worthy priesthood holder right now. He's missing that strength and inner fire that comes with it. That also comes from knowing who you are, where you came from, and where you're going. He's missing the fullness of activity in the church. My life is so filled with the church. Sundays, Wednesdays, some Saturday, and everyday that peace inside me knowing it's true.

I used to be able to tell David Anything. Now I just can't. I couldn't ever tell him how empty he is. I don't want to hurt him like that. I've been keeping secrets from him. Secrets that constitute a fairly important part of Me. We don't have much in common anymore either. It's hard to just make small talk. He wants to take me to a movie. Honestly, I'm a little scared to say yes.

I want to be closer with him but at the same time, I can't be his lifeline again. He said it earlier today, he has no life. I think he's going to try to regain that social interaction through me. I'm sorry David, I can't do that. And I also think that he's starved for affection. He doesn't live at home, isn't on talking terms with his dad, his mom's dead, and he either has no friends, or never sees them.

I want to help him Soo badly. But I don't want him to turn to me for all the affection he needs. I had to tell him I didn't like him in that way in 9th grade. Right before his mother died. I felt like he used me. 'My mother told me to always tell exactly how I feel, so I'm telling you.' Please. I felt bad enough. I was dying inside for him, I didn't need that as well. I don't want to have to do that again. I loved David like a brother. He was almost as close to me as John. Now I'm struggling just to be his friend. I can't be everything he wants me to be. I'm learning to live for myself occasionally. I just can't do it.

Puzzlings: Not for the faint of heart

Love. I've been contemplating and examining myself concerning this most abstract of concepts. What is love? What does it mean to me? Love in all it's many flavors. Love in all of its guises. Is love so present or ephemeral as one supposes it to be? Love, that vague idea, yet most closely understood from birth. What is this Love?
They say that love is so pure, yet how can it be with so very many kinds in existence. Are all loves really so pure? Untouched, unadulterated.
True Love. What love is this? I don't think one is referring to the pure unadulterated clean cut love when they use this phrase. But isn't True, Pure? Is it the self-sacrificing passion between a man and a woman? Perhaps the unconditional love of a mother? A creator for his creations?
Love. Is it that sunny obsession that fills your body and makes your heart sing just at some one's smile? Or the mention of a name? Is it that sudden moment of knowing, that realization that if one person was hurt, or left your life forever, you would die inside?
Does love ever come without the occasional or more frequent bursts of pain? That excruciating and exquisite madness of the mind.
Am I strong enough to love? That answer is easy. No. I haven't the strength or maturity yet to love with the depth that is deserved. I'm sorry. I have no experience to love with my fullest capacity. I don't Know my fullest capacity.
Hmmm... what Am I trying to say? I guess that I just don't truly understand love yet. I think I understand a little more each day, but it's a slow process. I guess I'm too impatient. Well, I'm young. I have time.

La Tres Belle Vie

You know that feeling, where you've had doubts about something, and then something happens that unintentionally erases those doubts? It's a good feeling. Or how about when nothing you do seems to be going right, and then all of the sudden, everything in the world is beautiful? That feeling is pretty wonderful too.
I think this blog ( I guess that kind of means me too) is bipolar or something. It's a constant up and down. One post can be dark and gloomy and depressing... and the next is all happy and filled with sunshine. Oh well. C'est La Vie. Et la vie est tres belle!

Guilt

Hmmm.... I feel like an absolute jerk. I've been think about Jocelyn a lot. I've been talking to her a lot more as well. She's really been helping me.
I've been having some self-doubt lately. Worrying about things that may or may not be trivial. I'm scared I do things wrong sometimes. I think I'm suffering from Bella-syndrome. There's something all you Twilight fans can understand. I have issues with self worth. Ya, I know. I should get over it. Should being the key word
Anyways, Jocelyn has been supportive and encouraging. She's a really good friend. It's not solving things yet, but it's helping me be calmer. More sleep, and actual restful sleep is most likely in order as well.

AFTER

Hmm... Well Jocelyn isn't as bad as I made her sound. I'm sorry for that. She was really tired, and I could tell she was in a lot of pain. She enjoyed the shake, and she could even feed herself! We talked a lot with her mom, sister Stephanie, and sister's boyfriend Shay. It was really funny, they started telling about their battle scars. Such as, wisdom teeth out, appendix out, ivs, etc. Ya, thanks. Really looking forward to getting my teeth out...
After we ate, Jocelyn and I went downstairs and she showed me a picture of Ahmed. I didn't know what to think about him. It was just a little picture. I talked a lot about Jake, prolly too much. She told me not to be scared. She also said it was fun to watch Jake's face whenever I was mentioned. She's in his ward. Or he's in her ward, either way.
Then we started watching Pride and Prejudice. I Love that movie and I'd been craving it since Thursday. She fell asleep and I was kinda wanting to go see Jake. My madre had called and asked me to get eggs from him, so I had an excuse. I left after I knew she was all the way asleep, and said bye to her parentals. I still want to see the rest of that movie. pftt, I should just go buy it. Heaven knows it would get watched often enough.
I decided I would go see Jake, and give him his seminary journal back. His mom answered the door and I was going to just give it to her, but she invited me in... and then invited me to dinner. I'd already eaten, but well... It wads really fun. I really like Jake's family especially Katie. Zach and Sam too, even though Zach was only there part of the time, and Sam was at the bishop's house "camping". Sister Anderson is an Amazing chef. I don't remember what she called the meal, but it was delicious. And the cheesecake! I almost couldn't finish it, but I made myself. It was sweet torture. It's Jake's favorite meal, for his birthday. I got to see him open presents, and then I had to go. It was rather late. I got a hug bye, which was really nice, and I went home looking forward to Saturday.

BEFORE

I am going to my friend Jocelyn's house today after school. She's getting her wisdom teeth out this morning and so she'll still be on drugs when I go over. I'm kind of... idk, wary. Jocelyn's never had very much control of her emotions. She tends to make things more complicated than they need to be. She's not very smart about relationships either. Right now she's "madly in love" with a guy she's never met, who isn't a member, smokes, drinks, and lives in Egypt. He's evidently also immature, because he told her that if she wasn't LDS, and he wasn't Muslim, he'd ask her to marry him. Ya, really.
So Jocelyn is, as usual, an emotional wreck. So although I'm looking forward to hanging out with Jocelyn, I'm worried that she might be even more of a wreck than normal, in her drug-induced state. Oh joy...
She's been acting more and more like a child lately. I should go become a psychology pro before school starts so I'll know what that means! lol, ok can't do it That quickly... but that'd be cool.. But really. She talks like a child and is even kind of thinking like a child. I should prolly be worried, but I don't know enough yet.
I just really hope today goes well. And not having to spoon feed her the shake I'm bringing her would be nice.

Jeff was talking about when he got his wisdom teeth out at Davis this morning. He said he couldn't move himself. I think that would be living H***. Hey! I think I found my greatest fear! You know how you get those e-mails that ask you a billion questions and one is always "What's your biggest fear?" I've never had an answer. I couldn't think of anything.
Now I have! I am Deathly afraid of being helpless. I wouldn't survive being unable to move or defend myself. Hmm... Possibly if Annie was helping me. Or someone I trust completely. But that isn't very many people.

Important Information

I'm not sure how to write in my blog anymore. I didn't really think that anyone read this besides Tiny.. And since she already knows I'm hopeless...
Well, since I use this in conjunction with my journal, I'm not stopping now. I like writing. I like pondering my thoughts out in words. Sometimes I rethink things, want to word them differently, or something else. The ones where I'm depressed and I sound all chaotic and about to fall over the edge... I regain control and the drasticness lasts about two seconds after I'm done writing. I prolly sound emo, but I'm not.
I guess I'm going to just forget that anyone can see this but me. Good luck.

Priesthood Light

I am So thankful for the Priesthood in my life. We had a lesson in YW yesterday about the Priesthood, and it's influences in our lives. My teacher told us a story from a woman she knew who married outside of the church.She told her about how different it was, living in a home without the Priesthood power. She said it was empty. Her marriage and her husband just felt empty. Empty of power, empty of strength, empty of light.
My Sunday school teacher from when I was in primary feels like that. I used to love learning in his class. He was so passionate about what he taught. He loved the Lord, and he loved the gospel and you could Feel it. He used to bare his testimony periodically. You Knew the he knew.
Now he's inactive. He seems extinguished. He doesn't shine anymore. It's really sad.
I'm going to try to get him to come to church again. I called him Sunday morning to see if he would come. I think I'm going to keep that up. Eventually he'll get sick of me and either start coming, or yell at me to stop. I really hope he starts coming.

Random Update 2.0

Arggghhhhh!!!! I Really need to quit my paper route and get a real job. Something just isn't working. I'm tired Alll of the time. Constantly. I've been trying to get more sleep. I go to bed earlier, I take naps. Right now my head just hurts and I want to find a place to curl up and sleep. My muscles are so tense I feel like you could snap me with one poke. I wish I could give Myself a back massage. Oh well, it just doesn't work like that.

On to brighter and happier things... Jake asked me to Prom. I of course said yes. John told him I didn't want to go with him, so he was on pins and needles until he got my answer. I told John that I hated how it was so expensive, which is prolly why he told Jake I didn't want to go. I wouldn't have gone with anyone else though. Prom would Not be fun if I didn't go with Jake.
I did win quite the victory. I'm paying for half of the date. He said ok if he could pay for half my dress. But I'm not renting a dress, (borrowing from Joc) getting my nails done, (MY job) getting my hair done, (Mom's a cosmetologist), getting new shoes, (mine will prolly work, and if they don't, he doesn't need to know about it) or anything else. So he had to resort to him just getting his own boutineer. I can give him that small victory.