David

I've been meaning to talk this over with myself for a while. I suppose now is better than later.

David. David is a problem child. Not the way I would normally use that phrase. I mean it literally. He brings problems. Not intentionally, but still.

I went and saw David last... Thursday? Yes, Thursday. I'd driven my beast of a van to school and planned to go visit David at Play n' Trade, where he works, during lunch. He looked.... different. He gained weight again. A lot I think. His face is fuller. His hair is very short, thanks to the military. (He's joined the military and is being shipped out to basic Sept. 16)

When I first came in, he wasn't at the counter. He was waiting for me, hiding behind one of the shelves to scare the living daylights out of me. That's just David. He looked like he wanted to hug me, but didn't. He just went behind the counter. He threw a bunch of random knick-knacks at me. Play n' Trade mints, army wristbands, that kind of thing. It was fun.

We talked some. Nothing deep or even very interesting for that matter. I did my usual, 'are you actually eating? are you eating right? do you have a hobby yet?' Yes, he eats. No, not anything remotely close to a balanced diet. And yes, just the usual airsoft hobby. He doesn't have anything to really fill his life. He's empty.

Thinking back to my 'Priesthood Light' ... He's empty. He has no light. I guess that's it. I've always subconsciously known I think. Whenever I spend time with David, it's like there's something missing. I always walk away feeling very sad inside. I realize now. He doesn't hold the priesthood. Well, he used to, but I know he's not a worthy priesthood holder right now. He's missing that strength and inner fire that comes with it. That also comes from knowing who you are, where you came from, and where you're going. He's missing the fullness of activity in the church. My life is so filled with the church. Sundays, Wednesdays, some Saturday, and everyday that peace inside me knowing it's true.

I used to be able to tell David Anything. Now I just can't. I couldn't ever tell him how empty he is. I don't want to hurt him like that. I've been keeping secrets from him. Secrets that constitute a fairly important part of Me. We don't have much in common anymore either. It's hard to just make small talk. He wants to take me to a movie. Honestly, I'm a little scared to say yes.

I want to be closer with him but at the same time, I can't be his lifeline again. He said it earlier today, he has no life. I think he's going to try to regain that social interaction through me. I'm sorry David, I can't do that. And I also think that he's starved for affection. He doesn't live at home, isn't on talking terms with his dad, his mom's dead, and he either has no friends, or never sees them.

I want to help him Soo badly. But I don't want him to turn to me for all the affection he needs. I had to tell him I didn't like him in that way in 9th grade. Right before his mother died. I felt like he used me. 'My mother told me to always tell exactly how I feel, so I'm telling you.' Please. I felt bad enough. I was dying inside for him, I didn't need that as well. I don't want to have to do that again. I loved David like a brother. He was almost as close to me as John. Now I'm struggling just to be his friend. I can't be everything he wants me to be. I'm learning to live for myself occasionally. I just can't do it.