Squish's Mom

I just realized, I don't even know her name. The way Squish talks about her is amazing. He has so much respect and love for his mother, and I know missing her is a daily pain. He has told me that nothing could ever compare to the pain of losing her. It's been just over a year. I can't even remember how she died. Was it bone cancer for her as well?
Why bring this up? Well I sent Squishy a message flat out telling him that I really wish he'd take advantage of the atonement and learn to heal and that I thought his mom was watching him and wishing for that too. Was that out of line? That's really how I feel. Every time we've talked about her I get chills and can't help but think she's waiting for him. I just don't understand how he can love her and miss her so much and not be doing everything in his power to be able to be with her again. Is it just too soon? I know his past is dark. Darker than anything I've ever experienced x10. But that makes no difference in God's eyes. He knows beginning to end. He has all power! He already knows exactly how Colton feels, exactly what he's going through. He can see. He knows. So dang it why can't Squish see that?? It's not my responsibility, he's not a project, but I care. Grrr.
If he doesn't want to do anything about it, Fine. I'll still care, I'll just be sad.

A New Beginning

Last night I read a book called The Guardian by Anita Stansfield. I was at the computer yesterday, bored, and this book kind of popped out of the shelf at me. I haven't seen this book before, which is unusual because I am browsing the shelves for something new to read just about every week. Since it was an Anita Stansfield I thought it would be girly, a little trite, but still sweet. It Was girly, but I could not put it down. I stayed up until 3:30 reading it.
The book is a love story about Tamra Banks, a poor convert to the church who is cut off from her family because she chose to serve a mission, and Jess Michael, a dark, very troubled young man from a good family that she saves from suicide.
The love story is stereotypically fast, strong, and mad. (Silly Stansfield) But why this book touched me so much is that it has a Strong focus on families, genealogy, temple work, and most importantly, the Atonement. I could feel the spirit so strongly as I read. That sully book helped to bare witness to me of my Heavenly Father's love for Me, Cora Aurelia Evans, as an individual, as His daughter, and that he wants ME to use the gift that he gave me.
Something Sean said (a character from the book) especially struck me. I'll paraphrase: John 3:16 says, "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."
God loves Every Single One of his children, but there wasn't enough room in the scriptures to list all of us, so he had to say "the world". The verse is just as true and just as meaningful if it is phrased this way: (add your own name)
"For God so love Cora Aurelia Evans, that he gave his only begotten Son, that if Cora Aurelia Evans believeth in him, she should not perish, but have everlasting life."
This beautiful book also helped explain Why it's so hard to believe this and act on it. It comes down to Pride and Fear. We feel ashamed of our sin, inadequate and filthy. That's how Satan Wants us to feel. He steps in and plants a horrible seed of Fear. Fear that we are so filthy, so little and insignificant that God will be mad at us. Our Fear and Pride in Satan's hands trap us into feeling like we couldn't possibly be forgiven, like our Father Wants us to feel pain and torment, like we deserve it. We can't go to our Savior because we're too bad, we've gone too far.
The truth is, Who are we to reject our Father's blessing? Who are we to spit in our Savior's face by not giving him our sins? He paid for our sins whether we accept it or not. He paid for My sins. He felt all of my pain, all of my sorrows, all of my heart ache and confusion, he went through My life and felt it all. He knows Exactly what I am going through, what I need and how to succor me. How to run to me.
I love my Father so much. I KNow he loves me. All of the drama in my life right now, all the pain and confusion doesn't matter. It's going to be okay! Everything is going to be Wonderful! I know that I will be able to get through every trial and I will learn everything I need in my life.
I hope that I will be able to touch the lives of the wonderful people around me. I want to tell everyone around me about how happy I am and how happy they can be if they just let the fear and pride go. Just let it go. Accept Father's love for you as His Son, as His Daughter. Accept his love and be happy. Because that's what He wants for you.


Church today was Incredible. Everything we talked about today was just perfectly what I needed to hear to reinforce that I am loved, and that there is no reason to fear. I wish I could keep a bottle of what I'm feeling right now so that I could have it with me always. But then, that's the beauty of it. Sacrament meeting was on building up treasures in heaven, and Relief Society was about Personal Revelation and building a personal relationship with your Savior. Wow! I Can keep these feelings with me always because I can receive personal revelation on a daily basis. I can learn and feel Every Day how much I am loved by my Heavenly Parents and my eldest brother.
The gospel truly is amazing. I've grown up saying it, but now I really believe it. I Know it. I can feel it. Where would I have gone with that stored complacency I'd felt? Is this what it means to have a change of heart?
I am learning to feel love for every one of my brothers and sisters, even those who have hurt mey friends. That's kind of scary because I've always been especially vindictive to anyone who hurt my friends. I feel so much peace, learning to let go. This feels so amazing! And all in the space of a few hours? Started last night and all through today!
I am so excited and anxious to share everything with my friends. I typed up the first part and put it on facebook and I'm going to send it to Jake too!
Looking back at my last few posts I realize that I've been childish, immature, and really stinking girly. But right now, I feel like I'm turning into a woman. With this comes the realization that(not yet) I need to have a man to be the one I share my life with. I am Very Very grateful for Colton's friendship, but I need better. I know that he has the potential to become a man. He has it in him to be a man strong in the gospel and wise in the truth as well. But he is not there now, and he has a long way to go. I would Love to share that journey with him, but my heart is not his, and it might be Jake's. I love Jacob as my brother and for the man he is already becoming. But we Are different people and I will Not consider myself promised to him, or anyone else, until there is a ring on my finger and a song in my heart. I was too young to know then. Too young to know myself or to know everything that love entailed. I still don't. But I will. And I will be guided every single step of the way by the Father who loves me unconditionally no matter how I stumble and no matter how weak I am.

Ridiculous

So I think that I am finding out that this is not as big of a deal as I thought it was. I'm a flirt right? I think I just want to be held. But I can't ever really separate physical and emotional closeness.. so that's silly. Squishy is attracted to me, I'm attracted to him. Big deal. That's physical. I can handle the physical. If it's not going beyond that, no problem. Friends are always awesome to find. Who cares if they are cute?

Problem! I'm getting so close to using that horrible L-word with Him. That's so fast! Too fast! But.. what if I do? What if I can't bare the thought of hurting him? I can't hurt Jake either! I love Jake. We've talked about Marriage. Jeff teases me about being engaged, because in his eyes, I practically Am. And if my feelings change? What if I'm just not ready to be that serious anyway? Growing and going to school has opened my eyes to just how young I am. Eighteen, is soo young to be committing to something like that.18! But I can't risk everything I have with Jacob for someone who I Can't be with for forever. Because I'm not capable of thinking or feeling short term.
And if I do love Colton? If I want to give him everything I have and pray that it can heal him? I feel bad thinking that he's broken when he's so strong, but he is.
I miss Jacob a lot. He would know just what to say to put everything right. Maybe that's my trial? Finding myself without him? Grr!!! I don't like feeling like I don't know who I am, or feeling like I belong to someone, or feeling like I am dependent on someone.
I honestly believe that it takes two. Man and woman are not completely whole without each other. But I need to know me!

More

I feel so different. So much older, so much wiser, so immature and so stupid. Sometimes I feel like I never had a childhood. Other times I think I never grew out of it. Attending a singles ward, where I am my own person, has helped me walk out of the limbo between being young and being an 'Adult'. But I'm not there yet. I want to cling to the past and the last shreds of innocence and immaturity. But I long to be my own person and do things my way. Start over and Start Right. But I have to be ready. I Will Not be one of those 'adults' who is so childish and immature that they can't see past themselves.
I'm growing and learning in ways that I didn't know that I ever would. I suppose that's natural. The spirit, the gospel, and all I believe in invites change. I guess it just takes me off guard when I think of it.
I want to take advantage of the opportunities placed in front of me. But I am scared by the consequences. How do you make decisions like this that will affect you for possibly the rest of your life?

Complications

Dear Self,
Life has recently become more complicated. Carston and Annie. Squishy. Me. We're a foursome and play and laugh, and get in trouble and cause mischief wherever we go. Carston and Annie are getting a bit more serious, even though they've been keeping it on the down low. This leaves Squsih and I to our own devices sometime. He is Incredible. Mad skills, intensely loyal, but prickly and extremely selective about who he lets in and how far. He's serious and stubborn, but he's also Ful of insane crazy happy energy. He can bring humor to anything and he's always bouncy. The problem is that we are both single, kind of jealous of Annie and Carston, and we've both admitted mutual attraction, but also the desire to not do anything about it. .. just yet.
We've been smart about it I think. Both upfront and honest. I'm just scared of what I might want and what I can't give. I hope with all of me that we will always be friends and that I can always be there for him. He needs someone to trust.