A New Beginning

Last night I read a book called The Guardian by Anita Stansfield. I was at the computer yesterday, bored, and this book kind of popped out of the shelf at me. I haven't seen this book before, which is unusual because I am browsing the shelves for something new to read just about every week. Since it was an Anita Stansfield I thought it would be girly, a little trite, but still sweet. It Was girly, but I could not put it down. I stayed up until 3:30 reading it.
The book is a love story about Tamra Banks, a poor convert to the church who is cut off from her family because she chose to serve a mission, and Jess Michael, a dark, very troubled young man from a good family that she saves from suicide.
The love story is stereotypically fast, strong, and mad. (Silly Stansfield) But why this book touched me so much is that it has a Strong focus on families, genealogy, temple work, and most importantly, the Atonement. I could feel the spirit so strongly as I read. That sully book helped to bare witness to me of my Heavenly Father's love for Me, Cora Aurelia Evans, as an individual, as His daughter, and that he wants ME to use the gift that he gave me.
Something Sean said (a character from the book) especially struck me. I'll paraphrase: John 3:16 says, "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."
God loves Every Single One of his children, but there wasn't enough room in the scriptures to list all of us, so he had to say "the world". The verse is just as true and just as meaningful if it is phrased this way: (add your own name)
"For God so love Cora Aurelia Evans, that he gave his only begotten Son, that if Cora Aurelia Evans believeth in him, she should not perish, but have everlasting life."
This beautiful book also helped explain Why it's so hard to believe this and act on it. It comes down to Pride and Fear. We feel ashamed of our sin, inadequate and filthy. That's how Satan Wants us to feel. He steps in and plants a horrible seed of Fear. Fear that we are so filthy, so little and insignificant that God will be mad at us. Our Fear and Pride in Satan's hands trap us into feeling like we couldn't possibly be forgiven, like our Father Wants us to feel pain and torment, like we deserve it. We can't go to our Savior because we're too bad, we've gone too far.
The truth is, Who are we to reject our Father's blessing? Who are we to spit in our Savior's face by not giving him our sins? He paid for our sins whether we accept it or not. He paid for My sins. He felt all of my pain, all of my sorrows, all of my heart ache and confusion, he went through My life and felt it all. He knows Exactly what I am going through, what I need and how to succor me. How to run to me.
I love my Father so much. I KNow he loves me. All of the drama in my life right now, all the pain and confusion doesn't matter. It's going to be okay! Everything is going to be Wonderful! I know that I will be able to get through every trial and I will learn everything I need in my life.
I hope that I will be able to touch the lives of the wonderful people around me. I want to tell everyone around me about how happy I am and how happy they can be if they just let the fear and pride go. Just let it go. Accept Father's love for you as His Son, as His Daughter. Accept his love and be happy. Because that's what He wants for you.


Church today was Incredible. Everything we talked about today was just perfectly what I needed to hear to reinforce that I am loved, and that there is no reason to fear. I wish I could keep a bottle of what I'm feeling right now so that I could have it with me always. But then, that's the beauty of it. Sacrament meeting was on building up treasures in heaven, and Relief Society was about Personal Revelation and building a personal relationship with your Savior. Wow! I Can keep these feelings with me always because I can receive personal revelation on a daily basis. I can learn and feel Every Day how much I am loved by my Heavenly Parents and my eldest brother.
The gospel truly is amazing. I've grown up saying it, but now I really believe it. I Know it. I can feel it. Where would I have gone with that stored complacency I'd felt? Is this what it means to have a change of heart?
I am learning to feel love for every one of my brothers and sisters, even those who have hurt mey friends. That's kind of scary because I've always been especially vindictive to anyone who hurt my friends. I feel so much peace, learning to let go. This feels so amazing! And all in the space of a few hours? Started last night and all through today!
I am so excited and anxious to share everything with my friends. I typed up the first part and put it on facebook and I'm going to send it to Jake too!
Looking back at my last few posts I realize that I've been childish, immature, and really stinking girly. But right now, I feel like I'm turning into a woman. With this comes the realization that(not yet) I need to have a man to be the one I share my life with. I am Very Very grateful for Colton's friendship, but I need better. I know that he has the potential to become a man. He has it in him to be a man strong in the gospel and wise in the truth as well. But he is not there now, and he has a long way to go. I would Love to share that journey with him, but my heart is not his, and it might be Jake's. I love Jacob as my brother and for the man he is already becoming. But we Are different people and I will Not consider myself promised to him, or anyone else, until there is a ring on my finger and a song in my heart. I was too young to know then. Too young to know myself or to know everything that love entailed. I still don't. But I will. And I will be guided every single step of the way by the Father who loves me unconditionally no matter how I stumble and no matter how weak I am.