Thanksgiving Break

I hate family vacations. No, I Really hate family vacations. We never really do anything fun, we just go visit other family members.

Right now I am in Arizona for Thanksgiving break and a sort of family reunion. I hate these. On my mother's side of the family we're just the misfits from Utah. On my Dad's, I'm the third oldest grandchild and the other two older than me I haven't even met. Joyful, isn't it?

Whenever we come to Arizona, I always decide I'm going to have a good attitude and not get in anyone's way and be helpful and have Fun. Because I'll actually try, right? Every time, some siblings' feelings get hurt, and by some I mean most. Every time, we don't fit in, we don't really get along, it's just not enjoyable. I'm ok mostly. John Does get along, so he's alright. Heck, Everyone loves John.

I'm just a tagalong, I pretty much don't know anyone enough to have fun. Everyone already has their people and their things. I usually end up wandering off alone somewhere and then people get mad at me for not being happy or not joining in...

What really doesn't help... My mom is tactless, my Dad is incapable of being active, and I'm too different. And alot of us (whole family) are too darn insecure. (I'm jealous of Jet, for Some odd reason she's jealous of me) Then there's all the family drama and crap..

I really hate being here. I really miss Jake, but I'm also glad I'm gone so that Jake will study and spend time with his family. I love having a ring on my left hand. I also feel like people will judge me here, because some member of my family on this side have made some really stupid decisions regarding boys and boyfriends, and even husbands. I Don't want to be compared to them, because what Jacob and I have is Real, and it is Deep, and we're firmly rooted in the gospel. How I love him.. I told Ta, but she is just like her nickname, Silly and Immature, yet cute. I really don't get along with her. She's so shallow. I can't talk to her about Anything and have her actually understand. My heck.

I'm going to go in my little wet tent in the backyard of the Lilly's and go to sleep. I'm too tired to handle it. Everything about being here brings out my worst qualities.

Simon and Garfunkle

So Jake really like Simon and Garfunkle. I'd checked them out before, but I hadn't really gotten into them like I have some other things. But he really like them. So I decided to check it out again since it is important to him and I'd like to be supportive/aware of his interests.

I love them.. It's still not a crazy like Missy Higgins pretty much became, but I really like them. Their music actually has Soul and feeling. It's thoughtful instead of shallow and hurried. And they're like the Beetles, they can play different styles so it doesn't get old listening to just them.

My favorite, I think is Scarborough Fair and then I Am a Rock, followed closely by Sound of Silence. Scarborough Fair gets stuck in my head whenever I listen to it. It's peaceful. There is something about the simple and pure tones that are just restful. =)

Jacob

Wow Wow Wow.

I had the most fabulous weekend courtesy of my very own Jacob Anderson.

He took me to a "high class restaurant" with delicious food, romantic music, and candles.

He wouldn't tell me where we were going, only that I needed to be in formal dress, and hungry, and he'd come pick me up at my house after my work. I got home early, got pretty, and Jake arrived. But Mom said she thought the reservations were for later, so we would have to take a walk until it was time for us to go.

Jacob looked soo incredibly handsome in his suit. I hugged him close and he smelled wonderful too. I was so great to be in his arms again. I hate knowing how far apart we are.

We started walking in the direction of the ponds, and the sky started pouring. Drenching pouring. So poor Jacob had to tell me what the plan was, since he thought we would have to cancel. He had a table set up in the park, with music, and candles, and Mom was just finishing the dinner.

So we started home, and the rain absolutely stopped. So we went anyway. We got there, and some kids were messing with the table. They didn't take anything, just messed with it. We'd forgotten the water, so I took the glasses and skipped and twirled in my dress to go fill them in the drinking fountain. I was so happy just to be there with Jacob, and embarrassed and thrilled that he went through all this huge effort, and excited to be able to spend the evening with the love of my life.

The food was delicious, even the steamed carrots. The music was soft and soothing, and Jacob was wonderful. Poor Jacob was all disappointed at what he thought had been one thing after another going wrong. I was thrilled and amazed at surprise after surprise.

After dinner he got out a blanket and we looked at the clouds and one star. It was beautiful. I rested my head on his chest and listened to his heart beat. Could that really be mine?

That night will go down as one of my absolute favorites. So will Sunday.

Sunday was not as happy, but it was good. Jacob and I stayed up very late, talking about Sam, and life, and many great terrible and wonderful things. Things I learned from our conversation: 1. Sam needs all the prayers I can call around for, Zach too. 2. Jacob loves me, and for reasons I can understand. He needs me in the same sort of way that I need him. And I can give him me and that is worth something. 3. Our love is forever. Forever. Perfect, but a kind of perfect whose perfection will grow with time. And we will be given that time 4. Life is short, and harsh, and painful, but worth it.

We cried together, and we hoped together. I needed that, and I think he did too.

When he finally went to bed, my heart was so full. And our connection was so much deeper and more.. I don't even know the word for it. Intimate almost works. I felt like it was time to tell my parents about mine and Jacob's desire to be sealed in the temple after his mission.

They actually treated me like an adult and understood! Such a serene peace came over me. They know, and the approve. They said they'd be proud to have Jake and a son-in-law, but to remember that circumstances change. I politely ignored that. I Know this is right.

Today, Mom came up to be and said, "I'm believing you more and more. Watching the two of you together, I can tell."

We're something special alright. I thought our relationship already went beyond words, but this is more. I'm starting to get a glimpse of the leaps and bounds our love will continue to grow in with time. How did I deserve this happiness? I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father and how he loves me. And for his Plan of Happiness and his son's (our Savior) act of Atonement that allows Jacob and I to be together forever. I can't imagine it any other way. I can't imagine living forever and being happy without him. He's the piece of me I didn't about for 16 1/2 years of my life and couldn't bear to lose now.

I love him, I love him, I love him.
How sweet the words, he loves me too.

Sorry!

Sorry it's been so long. Lots has been going on.

1. Jacob is in school in Logan and I'm in school in Ogden and Layton.
2. I'm taking 3 classes at WSU-Ogden, one online, one WSU class at Davis High (night class) and 3 classes at NUAMES. Well, including seminary.
3. I hate the bus. I Really really hate the bus. I ride it about 3 1/2 hrs every weekday.
4. I think I'm starving myself. I really just keep forgetting to eat. It's going to be very bad if I don't fix this and Soon.
   
5. I've decided I love my job. I'm really relaxing into it. (Dylan's btw)
6. Jacob is a chacha guide. He proofreads and redirects questions. Hopefully now he won't have to get a different job. ( =[ I really hope it works for him)
7. I absolutely adore, love, admire, respect, etc. Jacob. I miss him, but I'm doing good. Three years is doable. I can do this.
   

General Notice

I'm Free!!! Well, for a week now... I'm out of the sling! I'm not as flexible, but I'm working on it. And I'm getting stronger all the time!

That's the Good news...

But I don't want to talk about the bad stuff right now.


I'm going to Girl's Camp on Wednesday. I'm missing the last two days of summer semester, but that should be ok. I just have to stay a little later tomorrow to take my Psychology test.

My familia is in Idaho today, except mon pere et moi. I need to figure out what to do with my time tonight or I am going to go CRAZY. Maybe I'll catch a bus and go swimming. I haven't been swimming in way way way too long. We're river rafting at camp, but that's not Swimming.

Also, note to self: The Special Two - Missy Higgins, memorize

Grumblings

Ok, I'm fine. I only have a fractured elbow and another x-ray planned for next Monday. I'm in a splint and a sling, and I'm Not happy about it. I can still drive, but i can't put my own hair in a pony and I can't trim the nails on my right hand. It's humiliating not to be self-sufficient.

On the plus side, Jacob came and helped me with papers on the 4th. (All around AMAZING day) I made him go to sleep on my couch. That turned out to be really nice.

waiting

I am typing with one hand right now. I think I broke my arm. I'm sitting on my couch waiting for a doctor's office to open. I was rollerblading my route when I tripped.

I hate this, I hate this, I HATE THIS!!!!

I hurt so badly right now.

Too Far Ahead

Wow..

I feel so loved and so cherished.. So completely wonderful..
I've never felt anything so deep or lasting or real or true.

And neither have my peers.

So I feel alone.

It's not a Bad thing. It's just a little lonely. I'm sitting waiting for my peers to catch up. How did I get so lucky? What is it about me that lets me feel something so much stronger than people my age seem capable of? At risk of sounding snotty or childish, I honestly feel that I am more mature than all of my friends right now.
They've definitely had occasions in previous years where they were ahead of me.. but I just feel light years ahead of them.

It all comes back to the depth I think. This isn't infatuation. I can't find words that I can use to describe it. Words don't seem sacred anymore. I think it used to be that some words you just didn't use unless you truly meant them. Now in our arrogance and ignorance we've neutralized their effect by overuse. I'm guilty of it as well..

Because, 'Oh! I just love this song!' 'Oh! And this one too!' 'and this!' ... really... I Like them, sure. But Love? Hm.. idk, maybe that is not so bad, because of the subject material.

Another example, "Bff! Best friends forever!" Is that forever... or until your 'best friend' decides she likes the same guy as you.. or "luv ya!" do you really now?

Idk, maybe I'm just complaining because I feel inarticulate. But I think some words have just become too commercialized to mean the things they originally meant.

Did you know, in the Dakota Native American language, they have no word for Lie? They just don't. In other languages they have words that are more specific in their meanings than English. Such as terms for many or much. Or love. There are so many kinds of love...

Too many of my peers can't comprehend the level I am on. Why is that?

Talk to me, don't speak.

Body Language. I just did a bit of research, and new evidence suggests that up to 93% of our communication is nonverbal. Click Here to see some facts. Every gesture a person makes is a reflection of something going on in their mind. Some people think I'm good at knowing what other people think, and sure that could be true, but it is because I have picked up on some of this stuff.

Is it always conscious? No. Sometimes I don't need to consciously think about reading people's movements or expressions. I've done it so often that now it's just instinctive. I can usually tell what someone is feeling by looking at them. Some better than other. The more familiar with a person's feature and expressions I am, the easier it becomes.

My question is "Why?!" Why did I pick this up and why was it so important that it is second nature now? Was I just born this way? Is it my personality?? I don't know. I'm going to ponder on it and get back to you.

Yelling

I think people are so ugly when they get mad. Their faces twist and become contorted with such violent emotion. Mostly it is their eyes I don't like.

Eye are like windows to people's heart. They are meant to be warm and happy. Eyes can't be beautiful if they are glazed with anger, contempt, or even sometimes Hate.

If there is anything I hate, it is yelling. It's so easy to say things you don't mean when you lose control and yell. Yelled words are probably the ones we mean least, but the ones that hurt most. They are the words that are hardest to forgive and let go. I don't like myself when I yell at people, and it is hard to like myself when other people yell at Me.

There is just something in my makeup that makes my self-esteem take a really blow when someone yells at me. Or even gets frustrated with me. I know I'm not perfect, but could you please tell me what the problem is before yelling at me about it? I promise I will try my best to fix it.

I'm so stinking insecure sometimes. How many friendships have I gotten out of because someone got mad at me and I felt like I couldn't fix it? Nova got mad at me. Or is it perfectly justified since if a person is going to yell at me, I don't see how it could really get better. Isn't yelling like hitting? It's always easier after the first time.

Does this shirt make me look fat??

Isn't that a stupid question?? I've always hated that question.
A week from yesterday I went with my daddy to take my brother to Bartlett where he's working for the summer. It was fun and all... When I said Hi to Emily Taylor, the nature director from last year, she said, "Wow Cora! Did you lose weight? I mean, not that you were fat or anything before, but it looks like you really lost weight since last summer. Whatever, you look fabulous."

I honestly thought I would never stress about something like this. It's just not something I do. I was wearing a rather form fitting shirt, and that's Got to look skinnier than scouting uniforms class A Or B. ...but really... have I lost weight? I didn't think I looked bad last summer.. Heck, last summer was when I first started to Like my shape just a little.

I really shouldn't be thinking about this kind of thing. I know that. I just couldn't get it out of my head for a while, so I decided to blog about it. That's just what I do.

camp blues

Well... I did it. I let John go to camp. And I actually only cried very little. It was just my dad, John, and I that went up. With gas prices soaring to eye-bulging prices we decided to take the car, instead of the Whole family by van. Thank heavens too. My mother would not have been as tactful as my father. I know she loves me, but she would prolly ask if I was going to miss it, and would it hurt much, with her eyes all filled with love and compassion. That would Really hurt. Like when she asks about my dancing.

Of course I'm going to miss camp. In many ways, I found myself there. It was more of a home to me than My home was. Most likely because I had more free reign. But I have many reasons to be glad I'm not going back. The new century scholarship, the summer college required, camp changing, new job.... The most attractive incentive to stay home though, is Jacob. I would miss him very terribly. This summer will be hard. Wonderful, but hard. It's going to be a step towards surviving when he goes off to college, and that will prepare me for his mission. If I were to just leave to camp and have only letters... It would Not be good. I'd prolly ask Delaney to commandeer her phone again and escape to my spot up at George Town.. Actually, I don't think I would like those memories. I would pick a new spot.

Anywho, it doesn't matter in any case, as I'm not going up. The drive is particularly beautiful early June. It's sooo lush and green everywhere. When it heats up everything goes brown and yellow. I even picked a small bunch of wild flowers.

Wow. The end of another school year already. How fast and how slow it all seems to go.
This year has been a particularly good one. There have been many challenges I've had to work through, but I did it and I'm better for it. I've also had so many wonderful expiriences and felt so many amazing things that it's hard to believe it all happend to me.
I'm going to miss seeing my friends everyday. I'm going to have to distract myself muchly this summer or I'll start brooding. I'm going to be going to summer college, doing my geo online, working.... I should stay busy.. I've also decided I'm working out too. I hiked an average 7 miles a day at camp. Since I won't be doing That, I have to make up for it. Since I'll be schooling at Weber Main, I'm prolly going to go very early and swim before class. Or I can swim after. Either way. Ugh... swimming lessons. I'm going to need all the practice I can get!
I'm so glad I went to NUAMES. It's a really great school. And they're paying for my college... Except in the summer, which I don't like. But hey, I can't have everything.

Prom Pictures!

This is (left to right) Me, Jake, and Jeremy. Oh, and you can see a little bit of Natalie in the backround.
Prom was held at the Davis Conference Center in Layton. It was fair pretty building. I think I liked the outside a bit better though.


I think this is the one where we were going to ignore Storee, but deciced not to. Hey, I just realized. They put Prom from the previous year in the year book. I'll have Jake in my senior yearbook too!





This was taken right as we came in, when I was still trying to get over the fact that I was in a big, gorgeous, poofy dress with the most handsome guy who goes to our school. Oh, and with poodle curls too, can't forget those.






This is my favorite. Ever.

Brother

*gasp* John's going away.



John is going to camp....




John is leaving me in less than a week!






I won't have John for the Whole summer!!!!!!






I love my brother. We're like twins sometimes. He can usually guess what I'm thinking if we're eating. We usually come up with the same comments. He's a really great kid. I really value his opinion. Sometimes he's kept me from doing some really stupid things. I'm going to miss him.

Friday

It's Raining again! And it is morning! And it is beautiful!

So.... Friday was senior graduation. Jacob's graduation. Talk about traumatic. My entire morning was spent half flipping out. "He's graduating, Omgoodness. I have to meet his grandparents, what if they don't like me. Gah! He's old now.. why should he still hang out with Me? Crap, I'm not pretty today. I should have woken up earlier. Life is changing, I'm scared. I shouldn't be, I'm stupid. Change is good. I hate it. Ahhhhh!!!!!!" That's pretty much how it went. Ya, Ya. John brother already told me I'm psycho.

I was calmer when I finally got to the Austad Theatre, Lots better when Jake came early to keep me company, and then Katie came like a spot of sunshine. His Grandparents are all very nice, and I didn't flubb anything up Too bad. You should be so proud of me, I didn't even cry during the ceremony. Even though there were amazing speakers, and goose-bump-raising music. (the good kind)

Sis. Anderson invited me to dinner, and made sure I was coming. I felt really proud that Jacob's family wanted me to share such a special day with them. It was his favorite meal : Loaf of Goodness and Cheesecake after. I think I should learn how to make it. I spent some time before dinner playing outside with Katie and Daniel and even Sam. Jake played too and it was just so fun. They are all amazing on the trampoline. I can spin and that's about it.

After eating and being questioned by his Grandpa Richin, Katie and I went up in the f.r.o.g. (family room over garage) We played with Daisy, and hid from Jake, and were just silly in general. Then we watch Rocky. We as in Jacob, Katie, Sam, and Daniel-ish. Daniel was on the computer, but in the room. Jake was very tired, so I he got to lay down with his head on a pillow on my lap and I got to play with his hair. *happiness* He kept looking up at me all warm and fuzzy. I'm glad it was dark, I was prolly blushing.

Bro. Anderson came in around half way through, and I stopped playing with Jacob's hair. I wasn't sure how he would react. Jacob didn't move his head from my lap though, so I guess it was ok. I wish I knew what they were both thinking though. I liked Rocky. I'm sure I'm biased, but I really did like the movie too. It was very late when the movie ended.

When Jacob was driving me home, he said that it was as good as a walk and we should talk. I still need to tell him about Nova, but since it's not a happy subject, I didn't want to talk about it just yet. He told me he also had skeletons in his closet, and admitted that's why I'd seen him look like he was in pain during seminary sometimes, when I asked.

I asked what he'd needed to talk to me about. Something my Dad had said when we were all talking had been bothering him. We talked about it and I think we both learned things we needed to know. He.. He is so incredible. I care about him so much. Sooo Much. I can't write how wonderful that drive was for us on here... But I think that there have been very few times I have ever come Close to that level of emotion. It went So deep.

I wonder if he Really knows how often I'm thinking about him, or how much I truly care about him. I really want this to last forever. I can't imagine how I could be more happy.

Stand in the Rain

Yay!!!!!! It's raining outside! And it's windy too. I love rainstorms.
I really love the elements. Earth, Wind, Fire, Water... I wish I could join them. Oh well, I guess I'm ok being me.
It would be terrible lonely to be the wind I think. Always roaming, always seeing, always listening, always whispering... but never being heard. How many people really listen to the wind?

There is something incredibly happy, and also incredibly sad about rain. It's cleansing, and concealing. It clears, and obscures. I love it's smell most of all. Rain is something good to just sense.
Listening to it hit the leaves and sidewalks. Watching it fall and collect in pools and rivulets. Smelling it clean the air. Tasting it on your tongue and in your breath. Feeling it on your bare skin... Rain is good.

Beauty from Pain

I want to go jump off the roof of my school right now. Just to feel the wind and the thrill and to see what would happen to me. I have this insane urge to go do something crazy. It's like a strong craving for an adrenaline rush. It's stupid, I know. I know I Shouldn't go do anything remotely dangerous right now.
Thank goodness it's happening at school and not home. If it were at home, I'd prolly find an excuse to go driving and then go absolutely nowhere in particular Way too fast.
I'm not thinking straight. My music is up as loud as I can possibly stand just so I can have Something that makes sense in my head. I can't even concentrate on the sound.
I hope seminary will help. It usually gives me peace and clears my head, but can I wait that long?
I feel like if I don't reign myself in with absolute control, I'm going to go run to .. idk. Somewhere. How about the bus stop. I could take whichever bus comes first and just Go.

How strange. Now I feel like crying. This really sucks. I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm writing this in my blog.
Don't worry about me, I'm just a psychopath. I'm sure I'll get over it someday. I should just hole up into myself again. I don't need to hurt anyone else around me.

Faults

This is going to be a mini rant ish type thing about my faults as I perceive them and hopefully ideas on how to fix them as well. Let's be methodical about this and organize it. I. Physical Traits II. Bad Habits II. Attitudes IV. Misc.

I. Physical Traits

1. Acne
2. Weak Arms
3. Loss of Ballet muscle
4. Low endurance
5. Height
6. Split ends
7. Eyebrows
   

II. Bad Habits

1. Not eating right
2. Biting my nails
3. Inability to sit still
   
4. Spitting
5. Saying 'like' too much
6. Procrastination
7. Losing things
8. Not sleeping
9. Skipping classes I don't like
10. Ranting about teachers behind their backs
11. Not cleaning my room
12. Staying Completely unorganized
13. Being a computer bum
14. Yelling at my Siblings
    

III. Attitudes

1. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, because I'm me
2. Meh. cleaning is overrated
3. Homework? I can do it later
4. Life sucks, then you die

IV. Misc

1. I'm flighty, inconsistent, unreliable and vague
2. I'm Melodramatic
3. I'm immature
4. I can't focus on one particular thing for very long
5. I don't finish my projects
6. When I go hiking, I tend to lose my head. Especially if I've been under a lot of stress, then I go berserk and refuse to stay on the path, and try to get lost, and run away.
7. I lie sometimes, but not to my close friends
   
8. I really am a terrible driver
9. I have this stupid need to always be reassured that I'm worth crap. I think I'm getting better, but it at least used to be sooo persistent. It sucks.
10. My lack of self worth.

Hmmm.. Ok, that was depressing. I'll make a 'fix-it' post later. I need happy music.

INFP

here

and this

this too
This is what the MBTI said about me. Oi. It's kind of strange how accurate they are. Most of those characteristics they described are so me. Aggravatingly so.

• Like being really sensitive to criticism. I used to have Sooo much trouble with that one. I think I've worked to the point where that's not so bad. I'm more secure in myself. Believe me, it takes a lot of work though.
• Dislike of conflict. ... ouch. Yep. I really hate fighting with friends. I really Really try to avoid conflict. I have been known to let myself be walked all over, for the sake of keeping the peace. I also hate yelling.
• Strong need to receive praise and positive affirmation... I guess that kind of plays off my sometimes lack of self worth. But that's something that's also getting better. I'm not letting myself doubt myself. It's hard.
• May react very emotionally to stressful situations ...I'm not sure how to fix this one. Maybe I just need to relax and let myself know I Am fairly capable. I can't fix Everything, but I've gotten out of some pretty crappy things all by my self.
• Have difficulty leaving a bad relationship ... I'm going to leave that one alone for now.
• Tendency to blame themselves for problems, and hold everything on their own shoulders .. sorry! Something just Are my fault! Don't worry, I'm freakin buff enough to handle it.
• May have great anger, and show this anger with rash outpourings of bad temper ... I'm usually ok with this. Blogging helps. and writing, and Reading what I write. Sometimes that's the biggest eye opener. I can be very rash about what I write in my journal, or even post sometimes.
• May be unaware of appropriate social behavior ... yes I'm eccentric. Sorry, I don't really know how to change yet. Um... ways to fix... Watch other people's behavior. Don't wear quicksilver jacket to church, no matter how comfy it is, or how good it smells.
• May be oblivious to their personal appearance, or to appropriate dress ... see above..
• May be unaware of how their behavior affects others ... until recently, I was. Now I'm doing a better job at seeing that 'Hey! I'm influential sometimes!' It's not very fun.
• May be oblivious to other people's need ...one I do Not have. I think. I'm pretty sure. I try very hard to be aware of other people's needs. I try to help other people whenever freakin possible. It makes me happy. I'd rather solve other people's problems than mine. So please, talk. I'll try to help.
• May develop strong judgments that are difficult to unseed against people who they perceive have been oppressive or suppressive to them ...ask me about my 2nd and 6th grade teachers sometime.... and be prepared for a rant
• Under stress, may obsessively brood over a problem repeatedly ...Seriously, repeatedly. as in over and over and over and over.
• May have unreasonable expectations of others ...I Really Really hope I don't do this. I really try to let people be themselves and love them for it. I hate it when people have ridiculous ambitions or expectations for me, and I don't want to do the same for other people.
  

Here's my new rules for myself:

Ten Rules to Live By to Achieve INFP Success

1. Feed Your Strengths! Encourage your natural artistic abilities and creativity. Nourish your spirituality. Give yourself opportunities to help the needy or underprivileged.
2. Face Your Weaknesses! Realize and accept that some traits are strengths and some are weaknesses. Facing and dealing with your weaknesses doesn't mean that you have to change who you are, it means that you want to be the best You possible. By facing your weaknesses, you are honoring your true self, rather than attacking yourself.
3. Express Your Feelings. Don't let unexpressed emotions build up inside of you. If you have strong feelings, sort them out and express them, Don't let them build up inside you to the point where they become unmanageable!
4. Listen to Everything. Try not to dismiss anything immediately. Let everything soak in for awhile, then apply judgment.
5. Smile at Criticism. Remember that people will not always agree with you or understand you, even if they value you greatly. Try to see disagreement and criticism as an opportunity for growth. In fact, that is exactly what it is.
6. Be Aware of Others. Remember that there are 15 other personality types out there who see things differently than you see them. Try to identify other people's types. Try to understand their perspectives.
7. Be Accountable for Yourself. Remember that YOU have more control over your life than any other person has.
8. Be Gentle in Your Expectations. You will always be disappointed with others if you expect too much of them. Being disappointed with another person is the best way to drive them away. Treat others with the same gentleness that you would like to be treated with.
9. Assume the Best. Don't distress yourself by assuming the worst. Remember that a positive attitude often creates positive situations.
10. When in Doubt, Ask Questions! Don't assume that the lack of feedback is the same thing as negative feedback. If you need feedback and don't have any, ask for it.

Secret Message #1

--- -.- --..-- .. -.- -. --- .-- .. - ... -. --- - ... --- ... . -.-. .-. . - --- .-. .... .. -.. -.. . -. ..--.. .- -. -.. - .... .. ... --- -. . .. ... -. - .. -. -.-- --- ..- .-. ... .... --- . ..--.. ..--.. ..--.. -... ..- - .. .-- .- -. - -.-- --- ..- - --- -.- -. --- .-- ..--.. .. .-. . .- .-.. .-.. -.-- .-. . .- .-.. .-.. -.-- -.-. .- .-. . .- -... --- ..- - -.-- --- ..- ..--.. .- -. -.. -.-- --- ..- . .- .-. -. . -.. . ...- . .-. -.-- ... .. -. --. .-.. . --- ..- -. -.-. . --- ..-. -- -.-- .-. . ... .--. . -.-. - ..--..

To Do

NTS:
write about:

• Wednesday
• Meyers-Briggs
• scary stories/conspiracy theories

Write to:

• Jordan
• Brett
• Mike

Read:

• Da Vinci Code
• The Hundred Secret Senses - Amy Tan
• The Screwtape Letters
• Mere Chirstianity

Remember:

• Prismacolors for Kori
• Elise's choir concert
• Hike thought/treat/inspirational story
• ScoutORama May 16
• Math
  

David

I've been meaning to talk this over with myself for a while. I suppose now is better than later.

David. David is a problem child. Not the way I would normally use that phrase. I mean it literally. He brings problems. Not intentionally, but still.

I went and saw David last... Thursday? Yes, Thursday. I'd driven my beast of a van to school and planned to go visit David at Play n' Trade, where he works, during lunch. He looked.... different. He gained weight again. A lot I think. His face is fuller. His hair is very short, thanks to the military. (He's joined the military and is being shipped out to basic Sept. 16)

When I first came in, he wasn't at the counter. He was waiting for me, hiding behind one of the shelves to scare the living daylights out of me. That's just David. He looked like he wanted to hug me, but didn't. He just went behind the counter. He threw a bunch of random knick-knacks at me. Play n' Trade mints, army wristbands, that kind of thing. It was fun.

We talked some. Nothing deep or even very interesting for that matter. I did my usual, 'are you actually eating? are you eating right? do you have a hobby yet?' Yes, he eats. No, not anything remotely close to a balanced diet. And yes, just the usual airsoft hobby. He doesn't have anything to really fill his life. He's empty.

Thinking back to my 'Priesthood Light' ... He's empty. He has no light. I guess that's it. I've always subconsciously known I think. Whenever I spend time with David, it's like there's something missing. I always walk away feeling very sad inside. I realize now. He doesn't hold the priesthood. Well, he used to, but I know he's not a worthy priesthood holder right now. He's missing that strength and inner fire that comes with it. That also comes from knowing who you are, where you came from, and where you're going. He's missing the fullness of activity in the church. My life is so filled with the church. Sundays, Wednesdays, some Saturday, and everyday that peace inside me knowing it's true.

I used to be able to tell David Anything. Now I just can't. I couldn't ever tell him how empty he is. I don't want to hurt him like that. I've been keeping secrets from him. Secrets that constitute a fairly important part of Me. We don't have much in common anymore either. It's hard to just make small talk. He wants to take me to a movie. Honestly, I'm a little scared to say yes.

I want to be closer with him but at the same time, I can't be his lifeline again. He said it earlier today, he has no life. I think he's going to try to regain that social interaction through me. I'm sorry David, I can't do that. And I also think that he's starved for affection. He doesn't live at home, isn't on talking terms with his dad, his mom's dead, and he either has no friends, or never sees them.

I want to help him Soo badly. But I don't want him to turn to me for all the affection he needs. I had to tell him I didn't like him in that way in 9th grade. Right before his mother died. I felt like he used me. 'My mother told me to always tell exactly how I feel, so I'm telling you.' Please. I felt bad enough. I was dying inside for him, I didn't need that as well. I don't want to have to do that again. I loved David like a brother. He was almost as close to me as John. Now I'm struggling just to be his friend. I can't be everything he wants me to be. I'm learning to live for myself occasionally. I just can't do it.

Puzzlings: Not for the faint of heart

Love. I've been contemplating and examining myself concerning this most abstract of concepts. What is love? What does it mean to me? Love in all it's many flavors. Love in all of its guises. Is love so present or ephemeral as one supposes it to be? Love, that vague idea, yet most closely understood from birth. What is this Love?
They say that love is so pure, yet how can it be with so very many kinds in existence. Are all loves really so pure? Untouched, unadulterated.
True Love. What love is this? I don't think one is referring to the pure unadulterated clean cut love when they use this phrase. But isn't True, Pure? Is it the self-sacrificing passion between a man and a woman? Perhaps the unconditional love of a mother? A creator for his creations?
Love. Is it that sunny obsession that fills your body and makes your heart sing just at some one's smile? Or the mention of a name? Is it that sudden moment of knowing, that realization that if one person was hurt, or left your life forever, you would die inside?
Does love ever come without the occasional or more frequent bursts of pain? That excruciating and exquisite madness of the mind.
Am I strong enough to love? That answer is easy. No. I haven't the strength or maturity yet to love with the depth that is deserved. I'm sorry. I have no experience to love with my fullest capacity. I don't Know my fullest capacity.
Hmmm... what Am I trying to say? I guess that I just don't truly understand love yet. I think I understand a little more each day, but it's a slow process. I guess I'm too impatient. Well, I'm young. I have time.

La Tres Belle Vie

You know that feeling, where you've had doubts about something, and then something happens that unintentionally erases those doubts? It's a good feeling. Or how about when nothing you do seems to be going right, and then all of the sudden, everything in the world is beautiful? That feeling is pretty wonderful too.
I think this blog ( I guess that kind of means me too) is bipolar or something. It's a constant up and down. One post can be dark and gloomy and depressing... and the next is all happy and filled with sunshine. Oh well. C'est La Vie. Et la vie est tres belle!

Guilt

Hmmm.... I feel like an absolute jerk. I've been think about Jocelyn a lot. I've been talking to her a lot more as well. She's really been helping me.
I've been having some self-doubt lately. Worrying about things that may or may not be trivial. I'm scared I do things wrong sometimes. I think I'm suffering from Bella-syndrome. There's something all you Twilight fans can understand. I have issues with self worth. Ya, I know. I should get over it. Should being the key word
Anyways, Jocelyn has been supportive and encouraging. She's a really good friend. It's not solving things yet, but it's helping me be calmer. More sleep, and actual restful sleep is most likely in order as well.

AFTER

Hmm... Well Jocelyn isn't as bad as I made her sound. I'm sorry for that. She was really tired, and I could tell she was in a lot of pain. She enjoyed the shake, and she could even feed herself! We talked a lot with her mom, sister Stephanie, and sister's boyfriend Shay. It was really funny, they started telling about their battle scars. Such as, wisdom teeth out, appendix out, ivs, etc. Ya, thanks. Really looking forward to getting my teeth out...
After we ate, Jocelyn and I went downstairs and she showed me a picture of Ahmed. I didn't know what to think about him. It was just a little picture. I talked a lot about Jake, prolly too much. She told me not to be scared. She also said it was fun to watch Jake's face whenever I was mentioned. She's in his ward. Or he's in her ward, either way.
Then we started watching Pride and Prejudice. I Love that movie and I'd been craving it since Thursday. She fell asleep and I was kinda wanting to go see Jake. My madre had called and asked me to get eggs from him, so I had an excuse. I left after I knew she was all the way asleep, and said bye to her parentals. I still want to see the rest of that movie. pftt, I should just go buy it. Heaven knows it would get watched often enough.
I decided I would go see Jake, and give him his seminary journal back. His mom answered the door and I was going to just give it to her, but she invited me in... and then invited me to dinner. I'd already eaten, but well... It wads really fun. I really like Jake's family especially Katie. Zach and Sam too, even though Zach was only there part of the time, and Sam was at the bishop's house "camping". Sister Anderson is an Amazing chef. I don't remember what she called the meal, but it was delicious. And the cheesecake! I almost couldn't finish it, but I made myself. It was sweet torture. It's Jake's favorite meal, for his birthday. I got to see him open presents, and then I had to go. It was rather late. I got a hug bye, which was really nice, and I went home looking forward to Saturday.

BEFORE

I am going to my friend Jocelyn's house today after school. She's getting her wisdom teeth out this morning and so she'll still be on drugs when I go over. I'm kind of... idk, wary. Jocelyn's never had very much control of her emotions. She tends to make things more complicated than they need to be. She's not very smart about relationships either. Right now she's "madly in love" with a guy she's never met, who isn't a member, smokes, drinks, and lives in Egypt. He's evidently also immature, because he told her that if she wasn't LDS, and he wasn't Muslim, he'd ask her to marry him. Ya, really.
So Jocelyn is, as usual, an emotional wreck. So although I'm looking forward to hanging out with Jocelyn, I'm worried that she might be even more of a wreck than normal, in her drug-induced state. Oh joy...
She's been acting more and more like a child lately. I should go become a psychology pro before school starts so I'll know what that means! lol, ok can't do it That quickly... but that'd be cool.. But really. She talks like a child and is even kind of thinking like a child. I should prolly be worried, but I don't know enough yet.
I just really hope today goes well. And not having to spoon feed her the shake I'm bringing her would be nice.

Jeff was talking about when he got his wisdom teeth out at Davis this morning. He said he couldn't move himself. I think that would be living H***. Hey! I think I found my greatest fear! You know how you get those e-mails that ask you a billion questions and one is always "What's your biggest fear?" I've never had an answer. I couldn't think of anything.
Now I have! I am Deathly afraid of being helpless. I wouldn't survive being unable to move or defend myself. Hmm... Possibly if Annie was helping me. Or someone I trust completely. But that isn't very many people.

Important Information

I'm not sure how to write in my blog anymore. I didn't really think that anyone read this besides Tiny.. And since she already knows I'm hopeless...
Well, since I use this in conjunction with my journal, I'm not stopping now. I like writing. I like pondering my thoughts out in words. Sometimes I rethink things, want to word them differently, or something else. The ones where I'm depressed and I sound all chaotic and about to fall over the edge... I regain control and the drasticness lasts about two seconds after I'm done writing. I prolly sound emo, but I'm not.
I guess I'm going to just forget that anyone can see this but me. Good luck.

Priesthood Light

I am So thankful for the Priesthood in my life. We had a lesson in YW yesterday about the Priesthood, and it's influences in our lives. My teacher told us a story from a woman she knew who married outside of the church.She told her about how different it was, living in a home without the Priesthood power. She said it was empty. Her marriage and her husband just felt empty. Empty of power, empty of strength, empty of light.
My Sunday school teacher from when I was in primary feels like that. I used to love learning in his class. He was so passionate about what he taught. He loved the Lord, and he loved the gospel and you could Feel it. He used to bare his testimony periodically. You Knew the he knew.
Now he's inactive. He seems extinguished. He doesn't shine anymore. It's really sad.
I'm going to try to get him to come to church again. I called him Sunday morning to see if he would come. I think I'm going to keep that up. Eventually he'll get sick of me and either start coming, or yell at me to stop. I really hope he starts coming.

Random Update 2.0

Arggghhhhh!!!! I Really need to quit my paper route and get a real job. Something just isn't working. I'm tired Alll of the time. Constantly. I've been trying to get more sleep. I go to bed earlier, I take naps. Right now my head just hurts and I want to find a place to curl up and sleep. My muscles are so tense I feel like you could snap me with one poke. I wish I could give Myself a back massage. Oh well, it just doesn't work like that.

On to brighter and happier things... Jake asked me to Prom. I of course said yes. John told him I didn't want to go with him, so he was on pins and needles until he got my answer. I told John that I hated how it was so expensive, which is prolly why he told Jake I didn't want to go. I wouldn't have gone with anyone else though. Prom would Not be fun if I didn't go with Jake.
I did win quite the victory. I'm paying for half of the date. He said ok if he could pay for half my dress. But I'm not renting a dress, (borrowing from Joc) getting my nails done, (MY job) getting my hair done, (Mom's a cosmetologist), getting new shoes, (mine will prolly work, and if they don't, he doesn't need to know about it) or anything else. So he had to resort to him just getting his own boutineer. I can give him that small victory.

Random update.

I'm so excited for Saturday!! It's my sister's birthday And Annie's party! Annie's been gone the last five days on a choir trip, and I missed talking to her. It's silly I know, but five days can seem like a lot. Hmm, I just thought of something. Five days seems like a lot, but 2 months seems Sooo short. I'm not looking forward to school being over. Not that I'll be out of school, I'm taking summer college. (yucky) At least that should keep my mind busy. I won't have All day to worry about the future and miss camp. I think I'm glad I'm not going to camp too though. Gary's changing Alot, most of my favorite people from camp will be gone, and I'm not sure Gary'd put me if I Did work there. I'm not Quite old enough to be Archery Director. *grumble grumble* Well, I suppose it doesn't matter anyway. This summer will be devoted to other things.

Confession

I adore you. I can’t get you out of my head. You’re always there, always smiling, always ready to make me smile, and laugh, quit worrying. Every day, the more I find out about you, the more about you there is to love. I know you’re not perfect, but I love your imperfection too. To me, you’re the most perfect person I know. You make me feel like I am worth something special. I feel safe when I’m with you, especially when you hold me. You’re like a rock, steadfast and immovable. I love every moment I spend with you, every new thing I find out, every conspiracy theory, every silly story, every blush. I’m scared though. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to lose the piece, every single piece, of me I’ve given you if you don’t want me. I’m a fox, just a stupid, silly-headed little fox. I let myself be tamed. I think I’m in love. I’m sorry. I can’t help it.

Ron Hill

Last night. 11:15 Ron Hill passed away. Brother Hill was an amazing influence on his life. I was converted to the church in his later years, and his relationship with his parent was strained because of it. But because he had faith and felt the love Heavenly Father has for him daily, he was able to raise his family strong in the church. Although he was a nurse, he was unable to diagnose his own symptoms until it was too late. He contracted cancer and it rapidly spread to his stomach, liver, pancreas and other organs. Beloved of his family and friends, he will live in our memories until the day that we can join him in God's presence.

Delusions

I am tired, I am unmotivated, I am bored and I am lazy. I am Not being productive. I just want to find someplace I can go take a nap, but I'm at School! Oh Joy! I Reeaaalllly need to make it through school alive. I'm going Swimming! The other thing, I'm being affected alot by anxiety. Horribly. Tragically. Incompastitatingly! Is that even a word??? Anywho, I feel like I'm going to puke or something! Please give me courage! I need to tell someone. I Think he'd be ok to tell. Ok ok, I need to tell Him! This really can't go on. I'm sure I'm setting myself up for a let down. It's going to happen whether we like it or not. This is So Grossly Wrong!!! Maybe I'm overreacting.. idk, I tend to do that when I'm This tired... Maybe I'll take a nap before swimming. HA! No Time! Maybe a powernap! Those are only 10min! I can do that! I've perfected the art of power naps from camp. I'm expert now!! I know this doesn't make sense, but GOOD!!! Neither do I! Ever!

Pleasant Tree Concert

I went with Morgan to a concert last night and it was a Blast.
Morgan is in love with the lead guitarist in a little local band named Pleasant Tree. His name is Justin, and frankly I think he doesn't deserve her. Anyway, she's been announcing their concerts in seminary. I decided to go to one, and joy of joys, I wasn't the only one! Storee, Kori, Chelsea (Morgan's older sister) and Tanner (little brother) all came too.
It was at a place in Salt Lake City called Studio 600. It's the only alcohol and smoke free dance club in Utah. I think that's kinda sad, but whatever. There were two other bands Jehnra (sp?) and Mesa Drive. When we got there, Jehnra was just setting up. It was a five man band. They kinda looked like a bunch of teenage punks. I didn't like most of their songs. The band was Great, but their lead singer.... ya... they could use a new one. I met the step-sister of the drummer. She accidently hit me in the back of the head with a bouncy ball that was being punched around. I turned around, and she looked like she thought I was going to shank her. I laughed and told her I'd had Much worse. We talked a bit more, enough to be friends. She left after Jehnra finished.
Morgan had sent me the sites for Mesa Drive and Jehnra, so I knew I might enjoy Mesa Drive. Sure enough, I did. They're an older group (older people) and their fans were mostly late twenties, early thirties. Regardless, I like them. They're kinda odd at first, but they really grew on me. I signed up on their e-mail list at their booth. Hopefully I'll be getting more concert info from them and such.
Pleasantry was the last band. It was getting kind late when they played, so a bunch of people had already left. Their fans were definately the cleanest. I know the lead singer and Justin are both RMs, so that may have something to do with it.

Oh! Que Je Suis BETE!!!

I feel like an idiot. I'm seriously surprised that Jake is talking to me anymore. I made his room, and cloths, and bed, and anything In that room, smell Aweful. Like a grandma, according to Katie. The reason? Well, I think it's just cause I'm an inmature jerk...

Jake asked me to the Love Shack dance. Lame name for a dance in my opinion, but whatever. It's not my decision. Maybe some people like it.
I answered, and it involved 3 gallons of pudding and lots a smelly stuff, which I didn't know Katie hadn't asked to use... Great. I met Jake's dad. I like him. He smiles alot.

NTS:
Rm 226
Cover Your Eyes _ Cabin
Safe in a Crazy World _ Corrinne May
PASSIVE
20 min
March 10th
Jordan!

Snow Day!

Friday my school got canceled because of the snow! It was so fun! Both my schools actually, nuames and Weber.
Annie called me when I was getting ready for school and told me it was on the news. I didn't think KSL had gotten it right, so I called their station. I also called Jake. He was as excited as I was!

So Thursday, I hung out with Jordan, Annie and Josh. We went to Wal-Mart for some odd reason, and I saw the coolest shirt! It was a lifeguard shirt complete with red cross. Inside the red cross, it said "If You're Hot"
So I got it for Jake. It's freakishly big, but he can exchange it.

Friday, I got my Me day. First, I went to Bowmans, got conversation hearts, for answering Jeff, and the most beautiful rose I could find. Then I went home, called Tony, and made arrangements for some candy to be put in some balloons.
See, Jeff had asked me to novelty, and was going to lunch at Davis to answer him.
Then I went and doorbell ditched the Shirt, labeled and recipted (so he could get the right size), and the rose, (also labeled, for Katie) on Jake's porch. I hope the rose was alright.

After that I went shopping ( joy of all joys.... *VEry Sarcastic*) I needed Jeans. All of mine died tragic deaths. I also got shoes. My shoes had also died horribly. Well, they were really old, so I forgive them.

Then Sarah invited me over and she, Tracy and I had a girl's party and watched Persuasion, and Mansfield Park, based off of two of Jane Austin's books. They both fell asleep in the middle of Mansfield Park, so I sneaked out when it was over. They were just Too cute to wake up.

Self Abuse

I Need more sleep. I feel like I'm going to crash again. I have No clue how I'm still awake and appearing relatively sane right now. I have to go to English and take a vocab test.
It's really cold outside. I have this strange urge to go out there and fall alseep in the snow. If there were such a thing as warm snow, I would make my bed out of it. Then I could curl up in whatever position I wanted and it would form to fit me.
I like this plan..
I have a huge headache and I know exactly why. It has to do with Waay too little sleep, Dr. Pepper (VERY bad for me, but soo tasty), and "canversation hearts". I tried to cancel it out with milk, a roll, and biking 7 miles in the fitness room, but it didn't exactly work...

I hope I make it through today.

Snowshoeing

Saturday I went snowshoeing with Jake, and Sarah and Eric. It was wonderful. We went up Waterfall Canyon because he wanted to show it to me. The hike was fairly tough, but not too bad. I loved it. The trail was beautiful. I couldn't stop looking Everywhere. When we finally got to the top, there was the waterfall, completely frozen. It was Gorgeous. I'm not sure when the last time I saw something so beautiful was. I'm So grateful Jake took me there. We sat in the snow and drank some hot chocolate the guys had brought in a thermos. It was absolutely wonderful.
I felt like it was all just for me. Selfish, I know. But really...
It was so peaceful to be up there. You feel like you really accomplished something. Maybe that's why I love hiking so much. I get a feeling of accomplishment while enjoying God's creations. The fact that Jake was there did help... He still sits next to me in seminary (courtesy of Johnson), but across the isle.
I was worried about him today, because there was a spontaneous snow storm and he had to drive in it. And his car is still missing a window... But I said a prayer and felt peace, so it was all good. He got there on time, if hungry.

President Hinckley Died Yesterday

http://gratitudeforgod.blogspot.com/2008/01/president-hinckley-died-yesterday.html

Ramblings

I actually posted this on mymormonlife.com first.. but I thought I'd add it here too:

In my school district, the end of semester was Friday. For me, this is always kind of sad. You've made friends in all your classes, finally gotten into the swing of things, and then it changes.
How many people actually keep their "good friends" if they aren't in any of their classes. Or even if they just don't sit by them anymore. How many of our "friends" are actually just superficial contacts we use to make us more comfortable in a situation?
Are you Really going to call that person to hang out? Or are you saying that to make you feel better?
Then there's just the fact that you're halfway through the school year. I'm terrified for this school year to end. Seriously terrified. Because I will be facing:
A- a summer without scout camp, with college, and too many hours in the day to fill with things to keep me from missing camp.
B- That much closer to my senior year, trying to decide on a career and a college, trying not to fail college classes.
C- Some of the most amazing people I know graduating and leaving me.

In high school it seems like friends are your world. You swear that you'll stay friends forever and always keep in contact. Then you go to college and get Far Too Busy to even call old friends just to catch up. How many adults do you know who are still really good friends with the people they knew in highschool? When was the last time they talked to them? Do they remember their friends' favorite color?
Are our relationships really so fragile? Are friendships really so ephemeral? Is it better for us just to go through our lives with only shallow contct with others? Would it be better to keep to ourselves to keep from getting hurt.
Read this story: http://www.mormonsite.org/wisdom/heart.html
Sometimes I'm not sure i wouldn't rather be the young man with the perfect heart. It would definately be a lot less painful. I'm kind of tired of getting hurt.
Idk, I'm just a 16 year old ranting...

Campsick

So Thursday, I finally broke down. I went to bed at 9:15. That's pretty much a record for me. And Friday after school, I came home and took a nap. So I'm doing ok in that department. However, Thursday SUCKED. Royally. I got a call from Abby. This was the official call. asking whether or not I was going to work at camp again next summer. I had to say no... That may not seem like a big deal, but to me it was heart-wrenchingly Terrible! It was like an Icy dagger plunged in my heart at the say time acid ate away my stomach. Aweful!!

You see, Camp is my home. While I was there, I never really got homesick. Here, I'm Reallly campsick. Camp saved my life this past summer. I Hated myself before I went. I came back with Soo much more self-confidence.

My brother is going to be on staff this year. I'm going to Try to go up for a few weeks.. but I don't know if it will work out. I REALLLY want it to!

Yesterday, I took John to his interview. I'm Very proud to say, I did Not cry. Not quite. 

Sleepless in ... my chair.

I need sleep. I can't decide whether I'm euphorically happy or deathly sad. It's Really weird. I'm not sure I understand it myself.

I was really laughing and light hearted after about 10 min of being home. It was prolly because Courtney was here. She's so lighthearted. It's Wonderful.


David is joining the Military. He is my best guy friend. He's practically my brother. He's going to be in the special-ops for the airforce. He'll be working with unmaned airplanes, so he Should be safe. Not that there's anything "safe" in a war zone, but he'll be safer than most people. It's selfish of me I know, but I'm glad.
He's going to leave for basic training in the next two months. Then it will be FOREVER (8 months) until I can see him again. He's Hoping to be home by Christmas.
Then he will most likely be stationed at Hill Air Force Base. I Really hope they allow them to recieve letters, since they won't have internet privileges for Quite some time. Actually Heaven only knows they'd never have time to do anything other than sleep.... But it would be a comfort to Me if I could send him letters. I love writing.

I really Am happy for him. He's finally getting his life together. He's got a focus and a goal and he's sticking to it. The job sounds really good for him. He'll do well.

In other slightly less depressing news news....
My mother just came in here and had another "productive" but slightly counterproductive chat. One of my pet peeves is how no one in my family respects my social privacy. My sister habitually gets on my messenger and talks to my friends. They all think she's Nuts. I usually use the word "eccentric" or GAUCHE. My family is gauche. I'm not saying that to be snotty I swear. They are just severly lacking in the manners department.
Today I got a call and my mother starts talking to the poor soul while I'm being summoned. They didn't call for her, they called for Me. I consider it respect that when a call is for Me, that it is not interupted by people being juvenile. Making stupid comments (siblings), or going on forever about me, or asking about the caller's personal life (Madre) is juvenile.

I recently took the Meyers Briggs test. One of the sections is "direction of focus, source of energy". This is the E or I part. E = Extroverting (energized with people, ie Party) I = Introverting (energized alone, ie reading a book). Extraverts can and Will talk and Talk and Talk. They don't care if you don't want to listen, they just Love talking. Introverts would rather write you an e-mail. They Listen. Their responses, unless to a close friend, usually consist of one or two words. Extraverts walk down the halls and can say hi to everyone, but they prolly can't remember their name. Introverts have a few close friends that they know everything about.
I showed up I, and thats true, but it was slight. I have alot of E too. I think I've combined them well. I Listen to people. I pay attention. I will focus on You. But then I will follow it with my own stories or expiriences to help you. I Do like being social, but it has short limits. I don't do well around megaloads of people. After a football game, I would be exhausted from the sheer amount of emotion contained in one stadium. I know people who would Adore that and be really hyper for Hours after. However, I enjoy going to parties with my friends.
My mother is an extreme Extravert. When she starts talking, she keeps talking. It goes on and on. Mostly re-hashing. I don't think she understands that I can add two and two. I am a fairly intuitive, and perceptive person. I Can read between the lines. With her sometimes, it's novels.
But she just Doesn't Think the same way I do. And it's not a mild thing. She doesn't understand language the way I do. She doesn't make Any of the same connections I do. And when I try to explain, she'll "interpret" what I say and shove words down my throat. And she never interprets things correctly.
Because she dosen't Think the same way.
I Don't like talking to her for any length. Or anyone really. So I give shorter answers. I guess I'm being dumb to think she'll understand.
Her, "How is your life going?" Me, "It's going."
To her, that is Scapegoating the question. Like I don't care enough to give an answer.
To Me, that is a pretty complete answer. The Going implys that yes, it's moving. Life continues at it's normal pace. The shortness and vagueness imply that things are slow. Most likely I'm tired, or burned out. I'm probably thinking alot and I'll be active later.

I guess I just don't give my mother what she wants. She grew up with lots of older sisters who I'm sure confided in her when they needed to unload something reallt girly. "Oh! He'll Never notice Me!" I think she may have grown up with thinking that melodramatic behavior is Normal, that That is how people rationally think. OOOooh Boy.
I don't Want her to know every detail of my life. There is No reason I should share with her the nitty gritty details. She doesn't need to know everything I would tell my friends. She doesn't need to know any girly little thought that enters my head. She isn't privy to how my "love life" is going. She doesn't Need to know. She Wants to know. Like when she was a child, she thinks it's her right, as a mother this time.
She can have Elise for that sort of thing. Count me OUT.

Calmer

So.........

First of all. I do not hate my mother, or my family, or life in general. I'm just exceedingly frustrated.

Things have gotten alot calmer around here. My mother apologized in a lovely note that I tried not to get mad at, and appreciated when I calmed down.

School is good, and should be better after the semester ends. I'll be sad to see some of my classes go, but Waaaaaaay happy to drop Chemistry. And I'll have more time to sleep.
That will definately help...

Ranting

So my parents and I just had two talks. Which evidently were "productive", but left me a crying, shaking mass of nerves.

I cannot wait until I turn 18. I have no idea where I will go, or how I'll finish my last bit of high school, but I am Leaving. I Have to get out. I feel like I'm suffocating.

I thought I was getting closer to my family. I Have gotten alot closer to Michelle, James, and Ruth. My relationship with my mother has completely deteriorated though. I've actually started standing up and telling her everything I've thought for years.

Like how Ugly she looks when she yells at any of the kids. And how she looks like she Hates us.

And how I HATE how messy our house is. When I was a kid she'd tell me to clean my room. Then she would follow me and when I'd try to throw something away it was always, "no! Don't throw that away, you'll use it later." Or with old school work, "You'll want to look at that when you're older, to see how much you've grown.
Didn't have any self esteem or confidence then either! Let's see... Yep, hated myself then too.

Every year around this time, usually a bit earlier, she gets or gets close to hypomanic, or manic.

You see, my mother has bi-polar. She has to take medication. Evidently it helps. Sometimes I think she thinks medicine can cure everything. It sure seems like she takes alot. For anything.
"Here, take these pills. You're being emotional, it's just a vitamin imbalance. These will calm you down." NO THANKS.

I'm not trying to make her sound like a druggy, cause she's not.

But about the bi-polar. I cannot remember how many times I've had to play Mom because mine was incompasitated, not there, too tired, or stress, or manic. Or how many times I've come home and she's "organizing". When my mother is manic she takes everything out from everywhere, mixes it up in a blender, adds chaotic energy, and throws it back. Then she calls it organizing and can't find anything the next day. Or how about the special "projects" she starts. Ridiculous and illogical things that never get finished. Sometimes they aren't even started, just "planned", talked, and whined about. Every mess in my house feels like a reminder of that lately. Even my room. But THAT is changing. MY abode will be Clean. And it will be MY project. A project in this house that will finally be Finished.

I realize it's unfair and cruel of me, but sometimes I find my mother extremely repulsive. Like her lack of manners. I honestly had to reteach myself how to have good manners. Most especially table manners. My mother is gauche. Isn't that just the perfect word? Gauche: lacking social grace; lacking social polish; tactless.

I'm perfectly aware that I'm not the most tactful person in social situations. I feel that maybe only going to social situations with a mother who is a gauche, self-decribed social butterfly, may have had something to do with it. I watched people become uncomfortable whenever my Mother was there and despaired being associated with her. I don't want to have a bad connotation as her daughter.
And my Father who evidently was a hermit and has NO idea how to behave socially in a group of anyone who is not directly related or involved with computers.
He's gotten tons better. I'm mean he's a Teacher for crying out loud. But he's still socially awkward.
I don't know how to behave around other people.

It's not just my mother. I just never see my father. And when I do, he's usually deliriously tired. I hate how he's always tired and sick and lazy. How he can understand what I'm thinking, but rarely what I'm feeling. I hate how run-down he is. How he isn't really Doing anything about it.

I hate how I set goals and never make them. I hate how much I procrastinate, or devote my time to pointless things. I hate how all these years I've simply given in. How I've never stood up for myself. I've never been self-sufficient.

That's my Goal for the summer. But it starts now. I want to be self sufficient. Completely. I want to get to the point where I could up and leave, the moment I turn 18 if need be. To have a good car, a cell phone, and enough money to rent an apartment for months and keep gas in the car. I want to be able to break away clean when I leave for college.

Story

I've started a new story. Again...

Sorry. I do that alot.

I have no firm idea of what it's about. Just one line. I thought it up while writing in nmy journal the other day. All I'm for sure about is that it will be about a very foolish youngish girl. It will most likely be sappy, and really bitter. I'm sure I'll never finish. For now though, I have something to keep me going.
I've been half-dead and emotionless for the past few days. I'm not totally sure why. Probablly from an emotion overload. I've been under so much stress that I've become as traparent and whistless as paper. Yes, I feel flat like paper, squished under so much stress.

My Song

I found the most Amazing song today! I put it on here, but I used enips, so I don't know how well it'll work. It's called So She Dances and it's by Josh Groban.

I Love it. Right now it's perfectly describing my feelings about dance and music. I've seriously been dancing to it for .......idk how long.

It's Beautiful!

Hefner, No Sleep, College

The coolest thing happened! I was talking to Mark from camp, and found out he knows Mrs. Hefner's daughter. He had a very apt description for the both of them. "Bundles of joy and energy on legs!!!" I love Mrs. Hefner, she always so bright. It makes me happy to talk to her. I'm sure her daughter is the same way. Her daughter, whose name escapes me, goes to Davis. She and Mark are friends. I thought it was really cool.
I called Jake yesterday to tell him about the pictures. I left him a message, cause I knew he was at work. We stayed up talking until 11ish this time. Oops... It was fun, but I was intelligent and decided to get up extra early to do papers, because of the snow and ice. And then I ate only 2 pieces of cinnimon sugar-ed toast and chocolate chips for breakfast...
Needless to say, this morning I was extremely hyper.
AND I had my first college class!!! My teacher is Lori Drake, and she's adorable! There are so many cool people in my class. Especially Kori!!! She told me she was in my class at one point, but I guess I was too tired to comprehend it. *wince* Sorry Kori! I really am Thrilled to have you in my class!

Dance Pictures Came!

The pictures from the dance came! They look so cute! Mrs. Hefner brought them to me in 7th period because she couldn't fin Jake. It's a good thing she knows both of us, because he put them under the name Jello Anderson. The company nuames is working with made a mistake on the name. They put nuame instead of nuames, so they're going to reprint them and let us keep the messed-up ones too. I called him to let him know, even though I know he's at work. Mondays are long work days for him. I'm kind of anxious to see what he thinks of them. Oh well, I'll find out tomorrow. ^_^

Freakout

AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just registered for Weber State!! I'm starting class Tuesday!!!! Ah!!!!!!!! I'm in college!!!!!
Sorta..

Anywho. I went to a multistake dance in Roy with some staffers. I invited Jello and he came. It was really fun. There were alot of people from Camp Staff there. I was Sooo happy.

Finally, the dance.

I realize this is somewhat of a cop-out, but I'm really not going to get around to writing about the dance, so I'm just pasting these e-mails in here... sorry.


This may take two e-mails. Because I'm in class.Yes, he was absolutely gorgeous. He wore the bow tie I got him. Johnson drove and they were 30min late, because Johnson couldn't find Kylie's house. Turns out she got her appendix out at midnight and didn't get home until 10:30 that morning. Completely out of commission.My mother had fun with my face... oh joy.Anyway, I guess I looked good. Jello, Johnson, Ben and every friggen teacher who saw me all commented. The usual word was gorgeous. Jello used beautiful. My favorite part was when Jello picked me up and I got to see his eyes sparkle when he saw me. ^_^ yes, I Am crazy about him.We went in Johnson's Bronco to his house and had dinner. Which was Amazing! Johnson's little brother Ben joined us for dinner since he was going to the dance too, and Kylie wasn't there. That was fun, let me tell you. We were all cracking jokes like no tomorrow. After dessert (glorious cheesecake) they had mouthwash out on the counter and Ben told Jello to try and keep some in his mouth for a minute and he didn't think he could do it. I said *I* could do it. So we made it a challenge. It was a tie because we had to go before either of us gave up.When we got to the dance I was attacked right when we walked in. Morgan, Devin, and Sally all came over and started talking at once. Evidently I'm amazing, Jello is hot, and my dress looked gorgeous. It was awkward. And then they went away, a slow song started, and we started dancing. *sighs like a girl* He knows how to hold a girl. There were three slow songs in a row, so we just kept dancing and talking. Johnson came over when a fast song came on. "Finally! Sheesh you two love birds haven't stopped holding each other since we got here!" Jello, "Atleast my date shows up!"If he didn't say anything about the "love birds" than niether will I^_^ We danced alot, and talked alot. There was only one awkward part, and that was during the song "I have loved you" by Nickleback. And that was because we were listening to the words, cause we both love that song, and he told me I looked beautiful. I said Thank you, and then we didn't really say anything. But the macarina was after, so we got back in sync.
To be continued...

----- Original Message ----
CONTINUED!!! WHERE ISIT?? I WAWNT TO KNOW TEL LME TELL EM> I mean, im glad you had a good time. Now for the actual response,A dream, absolutely a dream. BTW I still must meet him( idf you want me too) I knew you would be gorgeous- u always are, don’t argue with me missy! my love life is so far away righ tnow I havent even seen it since last February. oh dear. but about you OMG OMG OMG OMG that sounds wonderfully wonderful. Iwihs I could do that* small girlish sigh* oi vay!well tell me more did he kiss you??????????????? rel me please
delaney

Anywho, We sort of went through the rest of the dance with a little more electricity after that. We helped clean up afterward, which is where that pic with Johnson in it comes from. They were catching Hershey's Kisses in their mouths and so we called them the "Kiss Catching Brothers".
After we finished went went to the car to go see the lights at the Layton park. But somehow Jello's seat belt had broken. For real, I checked! So he had to sit in the middle seat next to me. I didn't mind in the slightest. So Johnson had only had his Bronco for about 2 days, and accidently missed the right exit because he was playing with his cruise settings. So we had to try and get there from Kaysville, and ended up getting lost in Suburbia. And Jello and I played corners. We were sitting with our hands at our sides, in easy holding position. We were both too shy though. But everytime we went around a corner, he/we would sort of ..idk, almost hold hands, but then stop. So we'd just "Accidently" brush fingers alot.
When we finally did find our way to the Layton Park, the lights were already turned off!!! I was mad. So it was late anyway and we decided to just take me home. I Wanted to hold his hand before we got to my house. I was still to shy to just hold his hand, but I made sure that they were Touching. About 4 blocks from my house he took my hand.
I felt absolutely ...Shimmery! When he walked to the door, No he didn't kiss me. He said he had a wonderful time and then hugged me for just a few moments past when he should have let go. It was delicious. I wish I could have a hug like that everyday...
And then on Sunday, we went to a John Bytheway fireside! It was fun, but way casual, and we just met-up there. I had John and Elise with me.
LyLaS_Cora