Expressing and interacting

I think there is something to say about having something to say, and saying it. Lost already?

Today I was given the opportunity to go to a round table meeting in Clearfield and talking about Venturing, what it's given me, and how it's beneficial for the youth to participate in. After a brief video about how high adventure programs can affect youth, I was introduced and given roughly 45 minutes to say whatever I wanted about venturing.

I taught them a little about how a venturing crew works, the different areas of awards, and some of the leadership opportunities available. I asked Annie and Taryn to say a bit of what venturing has done for them personally, and they both talked about the growth they've experienced and the fun they've had. Then I told these adults about why it's important to give youth leadership experiences, shared some of my feelings about the program, and asked that they give the opportunity to the youth they know. I then opened the meeting up for questions, and everyone had them. I appreciated the fact that they were relevant, well thought out questions. These people are the kind genuinely trying to make a difference.

I'm writing about this not just because the experience was fun, but because of how it affected me. I was able to communicate my ideas to this group of 'grown ups' as a peer. They listened to what I had to say and heard it. They considered my opinion and ideas as they would any other adult's. I was able to interact on a level playing field. This experience has somehow lightened a huge burden from me. Even though I wasn't speaking about any of the things I've been hold in, the very act of speaking was liberating.

I remember one day in class Jessica, our instructor, was working on me. Between the tightness in my jaw and solar plexus and how closed my third chakra was, she was a little afraid for me. I wasn't expressing myself. I was locking too much inside. I wasn't being heard. She advised me to find someone to talk to, or to write everything on a paper and burn it. My inability to express myself or to be understood was hurting me physically.

I firmly believe that, to a varying degree, people need people. Every person has certain innate needs, one of which is to be understood. In a way, the connections between persons is what gives them meaning. What good is an object if it never interacts with anything? What is light if nothing sees it?

In my favorite book, a fox tells the little prince that it is the time he has wasted for his rose that makes his rose so important. When he says goodbye to the roses, he tells them that they are beautiful but empty. His rose is special because she is his. It is the time wasted between them, the grumblings and complaints, the glass globes and the screens, that have made them important to each other.

I recently heard about a girl who died in a car accident. I felt sad that another life has ended, but it meant nothing to me. Liz and Tim passing, has effected me tremendously. Because of the shared secrets, the trips to Denny's, the idle dreams, and the car rides, they are important to me.

I don't mean to say that a life is meaningless if it doesn't touch another's; I only mean to stress the importance of our interactions and express my gratitude for my night's experience.

Just venting.

I am so frustrated. There is a particular individual whom I have recently become friends with. I met him through his cousin who is also my friend. We started talking online frequently and I found out that he's a really great guy. He's had a horrible past and made some bad decisions, but he's completely turned his life around. He's the kind of person that volunteers to do community service a couple times a week, just because. He's really intelligent and we share similar tastes.

During our conversations, he has a habit of putting me off guard by asking questions out of the blue. "What's your earliest childhood memory? What is your favorite fruit? What are your hopes and dreams for the future?" He answers all of my questions, so I try to answer most of his. He's always there to talk to and he's good at giving advice I need to hear. He doorbell ditched a cheesecake, a cd, flowers, and a free hug coupon on my door because I was having a rough time and he wanted me to have a good day.

Sounds great, doesn't it? Not so much.. He decided to admit that he likes me very much, and thinks he's falling for me.

This is infuriating to me. I could swear that I've done nothing to solicit such attentions. This happens fairly often. I meet someone nice, we develop a friendship that I care about, and they decide to care in different ways. I don't want a silly relationship, I don't want a crush, I don't want a boyfriend. I want to make friendships that last.

We're trying to remain friends, but I don't know how that can work. I think I'm really messed up in the head. I'm still so scarred from Ben brutalizing my instincts. He told me he was perfectly fine with being platonic friends and in the same breath told me that I was all he thought about and if he could ever hope to wish for it, all he wanted was a future with me. When I tried to end a friendship that was so incredibly destructive, he faked psychotic break downs that only I could possibly fix.

Coming from that kind of background, I am really struggling to believe this 'just friends' thing. I'm trying not to give up on friendships in general. I don't want to hurt anyone else. Is it right for me to feel guilty for not caring about someone the same way they do?

If it came down to it, I probably could be comfortable with this guy. In an arranged marriage type of situation we'd get along great. But if I cam going to be sealed to someone forever, then I want to fall in love with that person every day of it. I want to make someone happy. I want to Be happy. I'd like to build a life with someone that will still make my heart flutter when we're old and gray. I want to be the kind of person that my sweetheart is looking for.

RIP Timothy Tilley 05.12.1989 -11.07.2010

It had always been my biggest fear, to lose someone that way, to not be there for someone I cared about when they needed me most. It's ripping me apart, but I will never let it happen again.

I can see him there, on the edge of the cliff, phone in his hand, asking me why no one saw the nobility in suicide anymore. We talk about seppuku, the ritual suicide of the samurai, the warrior's way out. He tells me about mass ceremonial suicides using poisoned wines, religious fanatics with bombs giving their lives for the promise of virgins in the next, volunteers for human sacrifice to arcane Gods. They can do it, why can't he?
I tell him he is pretty stupid sometimes, for being so brilliant. Doesn't he know how much I care, how much I enjoy having him in my life?
I can see him, wind tousled hair, standing there for a moment longer, hesitating, and finally stepping back saying, "Yes, you're right. And anyway.. I always lack the courage to jump."
Crying silently with relief, I tell him that I'm proud of him, that the courage is in living and I know he's courageous enough for that, and could he please come see me and give me a hug? I need to know he's really alright.

I taught him how to play ninja at an institute activity. I think we were both a little surprised at how well he did. It was so great to see him with a reckless smile on his face as he was caught up in the game. When the music started, I taught him the Boot Scootin' Boogy and the Sunflower.
He taught me how to find the truth inside of myself, and how to trust in it again. He believed in me so much, but never believed a single compliment I paid him, never believed how grateful I was for his friendship. ....How grateful I Am for his friendship. Tim continues to teach me, painful though the lesson is.

I remember teaching him how to pray, challenging him to do so everyday for a week, and extracting a promise that he would. I told him to ask to know that God loved him. I knew He did, but I wanted Tim to. A week later he confessed that he hadn't tried after the first night ended with him cursing, throwing out accusations, and asking God "Why?" I wept inside and begged him to try again. To my knowledge, he never did.
We talked often about God, sharing our different views. I tried to explain the loving father and his perfect son that I knew. He wanted to believe that they existed, but said everything in his life pointed to the contrary. He was so broken and scarred, so bare of hope, so small.
I knew what he needed. I knew only one person could help him. I wanted to introduce him to the missionaries so badly, but I was scared to tell him that the Lord didn't approve of his bisexuality. I was scared to ask him to change even though I knew he had to change to be able to be truly happy forever. His lifestyle obviously wasn't making him happy as it was. I was scared he'd push me away with everyone else.
We made plans, for when I got back from camp. I was worried, but I didn't think he wouldn't be there when I got back. He had been trying to get help. He had been meeting new people and making friends. It's excruciating to be wrong.

Timothy, I am so sorry that I didn't call when I needed you most. Christ loved you enough to ask you to change, I'm sorry I didn't know how to. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, to stop you again. I don't know what happens to suicide victims. I can only hope that you've found peace and truth. I can only pray that I'll get a chance to beg your forgiveness. I miss you.

Happy Again =)

I have been so incredibly selfish! I went to institute at a different place than normal today and our lesson talked about, among other things, forgiveness. During the flow of conversation, I wrote down two points: 1. If our sin causes us physical pain, what is it doing to our spirit? 2. When we harbor sin or guilt or pain we are not only hurting ourselves, we are hurting Christ.

See, Christ our savior suffered All pains, sorrows, and afflictions for us. Even the self inflicted pain, even the emotional scarring, he felt it all. How Selfish have I been to deny his comfort and to continue to live in pain when it hurts him as well? How arrogant am I to ignore his suffering on My behalf, to think that the atonement covers everyone but me?

This emotional pain, this severe depression, this darkness of self, is not just hurting me it's hurting Him. If there were ever a reason to forgive myself and others, it's that. If there were ever motivation to climb out of this pit, it's Him. And I know that it is only through him that I can.

Do you know how painfully beautiful this realization is? The worst part is that it didn't come as an epiphany, but as a "Well Duh Cora! Will you just choose to see it this way already?" It's my choice to come unto Him. It's my choice to bring him joy. I am so grateful that I can and I am so grateful that he told me how again.

I love my Savior and I am eternally indebted to him in ways that I cannot fully understand. It is because he loves me that I am who I am today and now, I'm remembering to give him that credit.

Dreams

I had a dream last night. Elizabeth was alive. We were sitting on one of those couches that you can't help but love because they're so soft and comfy. There was a movie playing and we paid it little attention as we talked and laughed and behaved just like the young girls we were.
Waking and leaving that warm, comfortable friendship was terrible. The dream held everything that I can't seem to find in the waking world.

Pain

Today I had words inside me that had to come out, so I wrote them down.

Once, the pain that lives inside me like a beast slept, whenever you came near. Now your very name feeds his growing emptiness. All he knows is hunger; all he seeks for is nourishment. But the more he is fed, the more empty he gets.
He fears gentleness and fends of warmth. Love, he fights bitterly, knowing it is the only thing that can kill him even as it is the only thing that can give him rest.


That about sums it up. It lives in me. It's a part of me. And the insidiousness of it is that I cannot expel it for fear of what I am without it.

RIP Liz

The first time we really talked, she asked if I would share my pineapple. See, in the salad bar section of the lunch line had pineapple and I loaded two whole compartments of my tray with it. I knew I probably wouldn't eat all of it, so I gave her the spoon, I took the fork, and we split the pineapple. I admit, I had ulterior motives to sharing those golden bits of deliciousness.. See, most spectrum kids started in 3rd grade, and stayed with the same classmates until 6th. I had entered that year in fifth grade and knew one other person. I wanted a friend.
Fortunately for me, we were instant friends! We read the same books, and with the same voracious speed. We both enjoyed sneaking into the woodlet behind the school and pretending we were elves or wood sprites. We even tried making acorn-bread once, from the small nuts from the scrub oak. We shared everything: secrets, dreams, goals, study time, birthday parties, (our birthdays are 16 days apart), we even shared our crush. I remember having a competition to see who could write the tiniest and still be legible. As it turns out, we were both limited only by the thickness of the pencil lead. For a week after we completed all of our school work in tiny handwriting and had to correct each-others' work because we were the only ones who could read it as well.
All throughout 5th and 6th we were inseparable. Even when I left spectrum part way through the year, we e-mailed constantly, called often, and drove our parents mad with request to be driven to the other's house. Jr. high posed more difficult problems. We went to different schools, got involved in choir and orchestra, met new people, formed friendships, and gradually lost dependency on our friendship. High school sealed the deal, with my venture to nerd school, and we lost track of each other...
Fast-forward to July 3rd. It's the middle of the summer, Stephanie and I are preparing for a crazy-relaxing weekend because the coming week is family camp. This is the single most stressful, chaotic, and freaking crazy week in the whole summer. Looking back to the family camps I had endured under Gary's reign, I was expecting to be treated like dirt or dogs by family camp staff, to have absolutely no free time cooking for 800ish people, and to have to bite the head off of anyone dumb enough to cross me. For all my tough act, I was terrified. I had no idea what it would be like with Jeremy, and we had a new cook yet again, and I was already so tired, and how was I supposed to fix all the little things when Everyone was Always in the kitchen?? So for the weekend.. Oh yes, I was going to relax while I could.
We had just started dinner. James had been in a mood and it began to manifest itself again at the table. As usual, it escalated to a full blown screaming match between mom and him. All at once, I couldn't take it any more. I ran, bawling, to the tent John kept set up in the backyard. I couldn't handle the anger and the violence, and the noise for a moment longer. Twenty minutes later, Mom came outside and stubbornly I ignored her called until she said Stephanie was on the phone. I tried to compose myself, and answered.
She had news, and she didn't sound composed either. Deanne had called from work. Stephanie Green, also from spectrum had called in sick, because her best friend, Liz Harris had died. She'd passed away that morning. It was liver failure, from all the chemo, she'd been struggling with melanoma, did I know that? I felt sick. I knew it was true.
How do you describe that moment? That moment that you know you'll never see someone's smile again.. that moment when you realize her time here is done, over, ceased, gone... when you remember hearing she'd had skin cancer and calling her worried, only to be brushed off with a laugh "Simple operation, haha, don't worry, it's gone now." And that moment that you know how alone she must have felt sometimes, knowing it was getting worse, knowing she would die... But wait! Her fiance! You received the wedding invitation just that afternoon from your parents, it came weeks ago! Wasn't the wedding.. yes... Friday... How many of the flower ordered for a wedding will now grace a casket? She's 19! How could this happen!
Please Father, not another death! Not another funeral, not after so many...

Stephanie picked me up minutes after she called and took me to her house. I hadn't bothered to unpack anything anyway. We cried and cried. Stephanie knew her from Madrigals and they had been good friends as well...

Excuse me... I'll finish this later... I just can't yet.

Too much

I'm having fun desensitizing myself. I listen to certain songs on repeat. I make myself pass by specific places. I do things over and over until the memories associated with them fade, and ignore the pain until it goes away. I'm sure it's not healthy, but is avoidance healthy either?
I'm realizing more and more that I am a highly emotional person. I try to act and think logically, and most of the time do well. I just seem to have to Feel so much about everything. Almost every thought and action has an emotion tagging along with it.
Is it that I am really such a rollercoaster of emotion, or is it all synthetic fabrication based on some subconsious misconception? I almost lean towards the latter, simply because of how malleable my moods can be. Music in particular has a strong influence. Words and phrases, chords and cadence, they layer me in thoughts and feelings. Does music touch every soul that way though? "Books can be beaten down with reason, but with all my knowledge and skepticism, I have never been able to argue with a one-hundred-piece symphony orchestra...." Farenheit 451 Hm.. maybe.
Here lies the other part of my struggle: disorganization. There is a glass inside of me where I have been keeping thoughts and feelings. I keep putting more and more into the glass, rather than speak or express. They now spill over the edges, with no more space to fill. There is too much there to arrange anything coherantly before it comes out.
At other times, I have delt with this glass by pouring it's contents into glass mason jars which I then seal tightly and carefully slide onto the old oak shelf where I keep such things. Eventually though, this shelf fills, breaks, or get jostled just so, and the jars shatter.
Consider for a moment the contents spilling and mixing and leaking out of me.. Let me assure you, it is Not a pretty thing.
Is there counselling for this sort of thing?
Would I use it if there were?

Smile

Hello Blog. Miss me? While I was away at camp, I experimented with writing slam poetry. You won't quite get the same effect as me performing it, but here you go:

Smile

"Smile," he told me, "and remember the good things."

Good things?

These things.

The things that made me laugh,

the things that made me smile,

the things that put a spring in my walk

These scenes

keep playing in my head on repeat

like, walking to your car

like, kissing in the park

like, tear ourselves apart on the grass where we

Lie

to each other and our friends

saying, this will never end

saying, I never knew that it could be like

This Love

is not a game and,

what a shame and,

"So this is how you want it to be?"

Yes.

This is how I want it to be.

See, you're walking in the rain and,

I know that you're in pain so

can you Talk to me??

Or just ignore me...

but to cast a dirty glance

rather than address me

yet you used to caress me

Gently

your finger tips would brush the hair from my

Face it.

It ain't ever going to change girl,

things won't ever be the way that

You

know you don't want it back.

You don't want the lies and,

there are no second tries and,

so don't look back.

Don't look back.

You know there's so much more

so close this empty door

and take that road

Before you

go, remember:

Love, even when it's hard.

Trust, even when you can't.

Laugh, even when you fall, and

Dance through to the days that life is beautiful.

Because Life Is Beautiful.

I also experimented with what I called U-turns. They are the words that end one phrase and begin another. I know it doesn't flow quite right, but it Is a first attempt. I'd love help editing it. I'm debating putting all of the 'like," and "and," s all together either in front or back. I'll probably end up printing it out and taking red sharpy to it.

Inner Struggles

My friend Julius recently posted this as his status on facebook: "Depression is Not a sign of Weakness, it is a sign that you have been trying to be Strong for too long..."

"Lately I've been feeling that indescribably longing that keeps me looking into the night sky."

Let me explain something, when I first discovered there were females at scout camp, and first decided I Had to join them, I spent a great deal of time pondering and praying about which camp I wanted to go to. Two stood out. Like two different perfectly tuned stings on a cello, two resonated inside. One was slightly more in tune than the other. Bartlett over Loll. It was closer, and I had more chance of getting my parents to agree with it as well.

Going to Bartlett was one of the best decisions I made. I've met people, learned things about the inner and outer world, and grown in ways that I Needed to. Loll has just kind of been in the background. I met a boy who attended my ward the past 2 weeks name Tayte. The darn kid in on High Adventure at Camp Loll. (jealousy) I friended him on facebook and tore ravenously through his photos from Loll. That familiar old ache returned. It's that ache for the unattainable beauty, the need to be a part of something bigger, the restlessness and the detachment.

I don't know if those picture woke up old longings, or if it just aggravated what was already there. I kind of feel numb to happiness. I wonder if possibly it's the loneliness cause by my heart wall? I have the vague, protecting detachment that allows me some callus, but I feel all the loneliness and pain caused by the inability to connect to others and to the world around me.

I've started going to the temple almost every Friday morning. Dad takes me to temple square on his way to work, and I take the train home. The first few times my life was in chaos and the effect was very calming and soothing. I felt whole. (besides the absolutely Awesome feeling of helping my sisters beyond the veil) Lately, not even that has been able to curb the restlessness. Could it be that I'm anxious because camp is so close after having to be away for so long? Could it be the Darned weather just toying with me?

Examining myself, I think I'm finding that it's more that I have worked past something, and now I need to move on to something more. Like my Aha moment with trials, I've gained one level of understanding, I've got my green belt. Now I need to work to the next one. Perhaps I am being more affected by my pending graduation than I thought. This summer is my last hope of clinging to childhood. I should have been able to let it go sooner, but I guess I wanted what I could get what with being 2nd mom so young. After this summer I am stepping, blinking into the sun of the real world. *le gasp* The adult world. I am both ready and not. Willing, and not. I am confident in my abilities as a massage therapist. I know I will be able to find good work, and I know I will put my trust in my Father. That makes it only Slightly less terrifying. So long sweet childhood, so long sweet dependence. It's all me now. I'm not sure exactly who I am, but I am me. And I'm sure I'll enjoy finding more about myself. The next few years will be hard, but Dang I'm going to enjoy it.

Refusing to Give Up

I know! I haven't written in forever! But just because I am behind does Not give me the excuse to put it off more.

Jeff's farewell is THIS Sunday!!! *le gasp* He's going away to Provo MTC and then Denver. For 2 years! Saturday Annie and I were going to go to the YSA tubing activity, but Jeff is having his time traveling Before After Party. Instead of having people go to his house after sacrament meeting, he's having a party the night before. Since it crossed with the tubing, we are going to that instead. OH! NO!!!!! I am Working Saturday 6-11!!!! How could I not realize this??? I'm going to die!!!!
=( =( =(

Okay. Calm now. Last week I had 2 dates. Wow. Jake S. asked me on a date and I was super nervous because we were going bowling and then dinner and a movie at his house. I wasn't sure if that meant his apartment, or if he had roommates, or if he lived at home or what! I was kind of parading my nervousness in front of my friends so they could tell me that I was being silly and ofcourse it would be fun. Unfortunately, most of my friends think like I do. So I ended up having 4 knives hidden on my person and good running shoes. I really need to find out where I can get some good pepper spray.
Wednesday before the date I went hiking with Jocelyn, Jeff, and Mike. I wasn't too awkward because Mike gets it now that he's been adopted purely because Jeff and I are already siblings. I'm happy because he's pretty awesome if timid.
The date ended up being fun. I was laughing most of the time. As it turns out, Jake lives at home with his adoptive mom, aunt, and Grandma. I really felt like I was being paraded as the new girl when I met them. I obviously did not enjoy this... His aunt works at my school, so I am sure I'll be running into her more frequently.
Jake actually showed up at church! I'm pretty certain that I contributed to his being there... Gr?

Saturday Stephanie took Carston to Lover's Feast at Davis and Squishy and I didn't have anything to do, so we planned a date. (datish thing I guess) We went hiking up Adam's again and he brought his camera to take pictures for his Photography assignment. They turned out very nicely. It was snowing through most of the hike, gorgeous, fluffy, slow falling snowflakes. Beautiful! But my hair was mostly soaked after we got back.
We went back to his house and watched Finding Neverland. In that movie, the mom dies. When James is talking to Peter and telling him about how he can go to Neverland in his imagination everyday to see her, Colton got up kind of angrily and went to the restroom. Then I realized how much that must hurt. How hollow is that? Go to Neverland to see your mom cause she's Dead. I um.. well kind of started tearing up and then his Gpa came downstairs and was trying to talk and so I had to suck it up and ruin a perfectly good opportunity to try to talk to Squish about his Mom.

Yesterday was President's Day and for Annie, Carston, Squish, and me it was the week late birthday party for the BSA. Boyscouts of America is 100 years old!!! On the whole, it was honestly a very unsatisfying party.. We did make a cake and play around, but I was so Tired and more emotional than I like to admit. Monday night/Tuesday morning I did not get any sleep until 8am -11am Tuesday. Then yesterday night I didn't sleep either! Last night I finally popped some sleeping pills and managed to squeeze in 6 hours. Anywho, It amounted to me feeling a bit left out and going downstairs to beat the S**crap out of Annie's bean bag. >.< Squish came down and was watching me without me realize it for a while.... I was really Angry. Not at him, I mean before he was there. I'm not really sure why.. just pent up emotion I guess. It's been a while since I had a good emotional release and I was (Am) Tired! He was pretty understanding and wanted to keep watching and give me pointers. I didn't want him to cause I feel so weak! But he was being sweet all the same. I wish I'd been able to just accept some help.
I was late to work because I went home to get John's hat before instead of going straight there like I'd planned. I get the feeling that Stephanie from work doesn't care for me. Maybe it's because I'm older, taller, and (help me) thinner. She is Latino, what does she expect? I am just fine working under her s long as she doesn't try any BS.

After work, Colton and I had an Awesome talk. He told me that he feels empty, like there's a hole inside of him devouring him from the inside out. He feels like he's going nowhere fast and doesn't like it. I felt really warm inside actually, because I knew exactly how he felt. The thing is, I also know how to get past it. I was able to bare my testimony to him about being able to put my life in God's hands because He Knows what I need to be happy. He knows me personally and uniquely and if I listen to him, he'll point me in the direction I need to be the best and happiest I can be. =D I was really happy after talking about it and I think I kind of floored Colton. (talking with the spirit kinda tends to do that) Well, hope I did at least.

Yea Yea, I'm sorry for not writing with any sort of eloquence about the staff meeting... but it's kind of hard to sum everything up in words... Basically I really really really miss camp. I've been gone for TWO summers! Gah! No bueno! When I went up with Jocelyn for the closing campfire, I Cried while walking around the lake. It wasn't a few little easily brushed away tears either.
But I am going back. I have the feeling that this summer is going to be really eventful and life changing. I mean, it's kind of my last summer of grey childhood. I have to grow up after that! In all actuality, I'll prolly need to grow up During camp. I'm going to be an adult! I don't know if I can handle that!

First Camp Bartlett Staff Meeting!!!!

Squish's Mom

I just realized, I don't even know her name. The way Squish talks about her is amazing. He has so much respect and love for his mother, and I know missing her is a daily pain. He has told me that nothing could ever compare to the pain of losing her. It's been just over a year. I can't even remember how she died. Was it bone cancer for her as well?
Why bring this up? Well I sent Squishy a message flat out telling him that I really wish he'd take advantage of the atonement and learn to heal and that I thought his mom was watching him and wishing for that too. Was that out of line? That's really how I feel. Every time we've talked about her I get chills and can't help but think she's waiting for him. I just don't understand how he can love her and miss her so much and not be doing everything in his power to be able to be with her again. Is it just too soon? I know his past is dark. Darker than anything I've ever experienced x10. But that makes no difference in God's eyes. He knows beginning to end. He has all power! He already knows exactly how Colton feels, exactly what he's going through. He can see. He knows. So dang it why can't Squish see that?? It's not my responsibility, he's not a project, but I care. Grrr.
If he doesn't want to do anything about it, Fine. I'll still care, I'll just be sad.

A New Beginning

Last night I read a book called The Guardian by Anita Stansfield. I was at the computer yesterday, bored, and this book kind of popped out of the shelf at me. I haven't seen this book before, which is unusual because I am browsing the shelves for something new to read just about every week. Since it was an Anita Stansfield I thought it would be girly, a little trite, but still sweet. It Was girly, but I could not put it down. I stayed up until 3:30 reading it.
The book is a love story about Tamra Banks, a poor convert to the church who is cut off from her family because she chose to serve a mission, and Jess Michael, a dark, very troubled young man from a good family that she saves from suicide.
The love story is stereotypically fast, strong, and mad. (Silly Stansfield) But why this book touched me so much is that it has a Strong focus on families, genealogy, temple work, and most importantly, the Atonement. I could feel the spirit so strongly as I read. That sully book helped to bare witness to me of my Heavenly Father's love for Me, Cora Aurelia Evans, as an individual, as His daughter, and that he wants ME to use the gift that he gave me.
Something Sean said (a character from the book) especially struck me. I'll paraphrase: John 3:16 says, "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."
God loves Every Single One of his children, but there wasn't enough room in the scriptures to list all of us, so he had to say "the world". The verse is just as true and just as meaningful if it is phrased this way: (add your own name)
"For God so love Cora Aurelia Evans, that he gave his only begotten Son, that if Cora Aurelia Evans believeth in him, she should not perish, but have everlasting life."
This beautiful book also helped explain Why it's so hard to believe this and act on it. It comes down to Pride and Fear. We feel ashamed of our sin, inadequate and filthy. That's how Satan Wants us to feel. He steps in and plants a horrible seed of Fear. Fear that we are so filthy, so little and insignificant that God will be mad at us. Our Fear and Pride in Satan's hands trap us into feeling like we couldn't possibly be forgiven, like our Father Wants us to feel pain and torment, like we deserve it. We can't go to our Savior because we're too bad, we've gone too far.
The truth is, Who are we to reject our Father's blessing? Who are we to spit in our Savior's face by not giving him our sins? He paid for our sins whether we accept it or not. He paid for My sins. He felt all of my pain, all of my sorrows, all of my heart ache and confusion, he went through My life and felt it all. He knows Exactly what I am going through, what I need and how to succor me. How to run to me.
I love my Father so much. I KNow he loves me. All of the drama in my life right now, all the pain and confusion doesn't matter. It's going to be okay! Everything is going to be Wonderful! I know that I will be able to get through every trial and I will learn everything I need in my life.
I hope that I will be able to touch the lives of the wonderful people around me. I want to tell everyone around me about how happy I am and how happy they can be if they just let the fear and pride go. Just let it go. Accept Father's love for you as His Son, as His Daughter. Accept his love and be happy. Because that's what He wants for you.


Church today was Incredible. Everything we talked about today was just perfectly what I needed to hear to reinforce that I am loved, and that there is no reason to fear. I wish I could keep a bottle of what I'm feeling right now so that I could have it with me always. But then, that's the beauty of it. Sacrament meeting was on building up treasures in heaven, and Relief Society was about Personal Revelation and building a personal relationship with your Savior. Wow! I Can keep these feelings with me always because I can receive personal revelation on a daily basis. I can learn and feel Every Day how much I am loved by my Heavenly Parents and my eldest brother.
The gospel truly is amazing. I've grown up saying it, but now I really believe it. I Know it. I can feel it. Where would I have gone with that stored complacency I'd felt? Is this what it means to have a change of heart?
I am learning to feel love for every one of my brothers and sisters, even those who have hurt mey friends. That's kind of scary because I've always been especially vindictive to anyone who hurt my friends. I feel so much peace, learning to let go. This feels so amazing! And all in the space of a few hours? Started last night and all through today!
I am so excited and anxious to share everything with my friends. I typed up the first part and put it on facebook and I'm going to send it to Jake too!
Looking back at my last few posts I realize that I've been childish, immature, and really stinking girly. But right now, I feel like I'm turning into a woman. With this comes the realization that(not yet) I need to have a man to be the one I share my life with. I am Very Very grateful for Colton's friendship, but I need better. I know that he has the potential to become a man. He has it in him to be a man strong in the gospel and wise in the truth as well. But he is not there now, and he has a long way to go. I would Love to share that journey with him, but my heart is not his, and it might be Jake's. I love Jacob as my brother and for the man he is already becoming. But we Are different people and I will Not consider myself promised to him, or anyone else, until there is a ring on my finger and a song in my heart. I was too young to know then. Too young to know myself or to know everything that love entailed. I still don't. But I will. And I will be guided every single step of the way by the Father who loves me unconditionally no matter how I stumble and no matter how weak I am.

Ridiculous

So I think that I am finding out that this is not as big of a deal as I thought it was. I'm a flirt right? I think I just want to be held. But I can't ever really separate physical and emotional closeness.. so that's silly. Squishy is attracted to me, I'm attracted to him. Big deal. That's physical. I can handle the physical. If it's not going beyond that, no problem. Friends are always awesome to find. Who cares if they are cute?

Problem! I'm getting so close to using that horrible L-word with Him. That's so fast! Too fast! But.. what if I do? What if I can't bare the thought of hurting him? I can't hurt Jake either! I love Jake. We've talked about Marriage. Jeff teases me about being engaged, because in his eyes, I practically Am. And if my feelings change? What if I'm just not ready to be that serious anyway? Growing and going to school has opened my eyes to just how young I am. Eighteen, is soo young to be committing to something like that.18! But I can't risk everything I have with Jacob for someone who I Can't be with for forever. Because I'm not capable of thinking or feeling short term.
And if I do love Colton? If I want to give him everything I have and pray that it can heal him? I feel bad thinking that he's broken when he's so strong, but he is.
I miss Jacob a lot. He would know just what to say to put everything right. Maybe that's my trial? Finding myself without him? Grr!!! I don't like feeling like I don't know who I am, or feeling like I belong to someone, or feeling like I am dependent on someone.
I honestly believe that it takes two. Man and woman are not completely whole without each other. But I need to know me!

More

I feel so different. So much older, so much wiser, so immature and so stupid. Sometimes I feel like I never had a childhood. Other times I think I never grew out of it. Attending a singles ward, where I am my own person, has helped me walk out of the limbo between being young and being an 'Adult'. But I'm not there yet. I want to cling to the past and the last shreds of innocence and immaturity. But I long to be my own person and do things my way. Start over and Start Right. But I have to be ready. I Will Not be one of those 'adults' who is so childish and immature that they can't see past themselves.
I'm growing and learning in ways that I didn't know that I ever would. I suppose that's natural. The spirit, the gospel, and all I believe in invites change. I guess it just takes me off guard when I think of it.
I want to take advantage of the opportunities placed in front of me. But I am scared by the consequences. How do you make decisions like this that will affect you for possibly the rest of your life?

Complications

Dear Self,
Life has recently become more complicated. Carston and Annie. Squishy. Me. We're a foursome and play and laugh, and get in trouble and cause mischief wherever we go. Carston and Annie are getting a bit more serious, even though they've been keeping it on the down low. This leaves Squsih and I to our own devices sometime. He is Incredible. Mad skills, intensely loyal, but prickly and extremely selective about who he lets in and how far. He's serious and stubborn, but he's also Ful of insane crazy happy energy. He can bring humor to anything and he's always bouncy. The problem is that we are both single, kind of jealous of Annie and Carston, and we've both admitted mutual attraction, but also the desire to not do anything about it. .. just yet.
We've been smart about it I think. Both upfront and honest. I'm just scared of what I might want and what I can't give. I hope with all of me that we will always be friends and that I can always be there for him. He needs someone to trust.